Mom or Dad get Alzheimer’s?
How much do your aging parents appreciate your raising the subject of them not managing life so well? As much as the cat wants to take a walk with the dog? As much as you want a pet tarantula?Author: Frena Gray-DavidsonWell, let me put it this way. Do you remember how much you enjoyed that sex and virginity talk with Mom when you were fourteen and she was suspicious? That’s pretty much how much your parents want you to talk to them about age, health and self-neglect.No-one wants to have interference from their kids. Certainly no one wants to admit that they aren’t aging well. And inevitably, they probably hear criticism in you even raising the topic. So, that is why you must approach this subject gently, kindly and without reproach. And did I mention tact? Oh yes, and taking stuff on yourself.
Some parents are such open people, so self-aware and unafraid of admitting their life circumstances that there will be no problem at all. “Why, son, we’re so glad you mentioned your concerns about us. We were just going to talk to you about what we need and can’t do any more.” But those are a couple of sentences rarely spoken in the inter-generational talk realm.
No, you need lots of soft-soaping here. One reason is that your parents may actually not be aware of their loss in function. Two is that, if they are, they even more don’t want to talk about it. The underlying feelings here are often their shame, their fear, their growing awareness of becoming more helpless. None of which you enjoy as feelings either, right?
So the best approach is to find a way to build them up, not tear them down. It’s true when they are stubborn, disbelieving and dismissive, then adult children often do feel the urge to take them down a peg or two by proving everything they’re afraid of. So, since someone has to be the grownup, that would be you and your siblings.
You might want to share your concerns with them first. To get a reality check of what you’re seeing and to see if they are aware of any memory loss or problems in that area. Then you could usefully get together with siblings and any other family members or even neighbors if they’re very close to your parents. That way, you can figure out the major, immediate concerns and begin making a plan.
Unless your parents are in real danger from incompetence to stay safe and live healthily, then start with a few extra nice inputs into their life. Take meals around, have someone help in the house. If they protest, here’s a way that often works.
You say,”Gosh well gee, Mom and Dad, I know you say everything is okay, and it probably is, but I just worry about you guys. You’ve done a lot for me and I want to do things for you now. “
You can choose your own words but here you are emphasizing your love, your desire to be a good child and you wish to enable to have a great style of living, blah blah blah. Why? Because they will only accept your help when they feel safe with you, respected by you and loved by you.
Otherwise, they will fight you all the way.
Author: Frena Gray Davidson– Alzheimer’s caregiver and author of five books about Caregiving. More about Frena: Frena’s Website and Frena on Facebook
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Books by Frena Gray Davidson Include:
Alzheimer’s 911: Help, Hope, and Healing for the CaregiversCheck PriceSpeaking DementiaCheck PriceAlzheimer’s A Beginning GuideCheck PriceThe Caregiver’s SourcebookCheck PriceWhen Your Parent Has Alzheimer’sCheck Price
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Hollye says
05/22 at 9:05 pmIt is hard when they refuse to let you help them. She refuses to take a bath. If she takes it alone she just stands under the shower without washing her hair or body. She sometimes lets me help but most of the time she refuses. How can I make her take a shower if she wont get into the tub?
~ Sandy says
05/23 at 6:00 amHollye, I certainly understand how difficult it is when it’s bath time. My mom was the same way and was terrified of taking her shower. I’m not sure why, but many people with Alzheimer’s have an overwhelming fear when it comes time to shower.
First, I wouldn’t worry about a shower more often than twice a week. Making it a daily chore is too tiring for the patient and the caregiver. Then, try to keep it as simple as possible. Avoid arguments as much as possible. And keep the time of day for their shower as close to when they would normally have taken a shower in the past.
Safety should always come first, so you might try placing a shower “chair” in the tub. If your mom has some fear, the chair might help to calm her. My mother was afraid of adjusting the water, so I always had the water running at the correct temperature before we entered the bathroom so she would feel safe and have no worries about water temperature. This made my Mom more willing to take a shower.
When someone has Alzheimer’s they don’t remember yesterday, so any experience is new and sometimes frightening. Try to have as much done before you enter the shower as possible. The water set, the towels and clean clothes available and laid out. Shampoo, soap, deodorant at hand. Create an atmosphere as stress-free as possible.
You might also try soft music playing in the background. It often has a calming affect for someone with Alzheimer’s. And eliminate anything that may cause fear for your Mom. Keep a conversation of small-talk running as you help her, with constant reassurance. Perhaps let her know that “You’ll have a nice breakfast afterwards,” or whatever your plans may be.
I hope some of these things will help, Hollye.
~Sandy
Have you found a way to ease a person with Alzheimer’s stress over taking a shower? Add a comment — Or share your experience —