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A Sons Birthday and Baby Bottle Memories

03/15Leave a Comment

A Sons Birthday and Baby Bottle Memories

Our firstborn son celebrated his 44th birthday with a business trip out of town. To top it off, he was sick with a flu that would not go away.

As hubby and I sat and worried about him, I reminisced about some of his funnier escapades form birth through 7 or 8 years old. Not that his antics stopped at 8, but he took more caution then.

The first thing Matt did when he learned to walk, was to heist his leg over the side of the baby bed and climb out. He decided if he could walk he was old enough to choose his own bed time. shoe-laces

We’d snuggle him into bed, fasten the bar tightly– only to have him peek around the door frame before we got back to the living room. Over and over and over again until he finally fell asleep.

Matt was our daredevil child. I think every family has one. Of our four children, he was the only one to climb out of his baby bed, fall out of his bunk bed (from the top bunk, of course, where he insisted he would be careful), break a collar bone, dislocate fingers, toes and ankles and require stitches at least once a year on some part of his body.

My mother insisted that I ask the doctor if Matt had soft bones. So while I was in the doctor’s office watching as he removed a brace from Matt’s collarbone and added a cast to his right hand, I asked the Doctor.

The doctor laughed heartily about that before he made me see what I already knew. He asked, “If any of your children would take a dare– Which kid would it be?”

I did not have to think twice about that one. It was Matt. I was nodding my head before his name came out, “Matt!”

Now you are probably wondering why I am telling you all this. Well, Matt and I were having a conversation about all of his antics one day and I was surprised how many he had already forgotten or never remembered in the first place. He remembered almost none of the cutest things he’d ever done before the age of Five.

I could hardly believe he did not remember throwing his baby bottle filled with milk and demanding a substitute with a single word, “TEA!” That baby loved sweet tea.

I thought about all those wonderful moments we had with all of our other children in those first few years of their life. Memories they would never know, remember or share. All those funny, happy and loving times are burned into our memory and held dear to our heart but completely forgotten by our now Adult children.

Then suddenly, I realized something more. It didn’t make me angry or sad or feel sorry for my children because they don’t remember those early years. It’s part of life.

I don’t urge them with,  “Come on, Matt– You remember…don’t you?” I don’t scold him for forgetting nor encourage him to remember with prompts that would mean nothing to him.

How much do you remember before 5 years old, 10 years old– your teen age years?

Do you remember every single day of your life since birth. NO. And no one scolds or demands that you recollect those days, weeks, months or years. Simply, it is something you can not do.

Mostly, I wish I’d thought of this while I was caring for my Mother with dementia. I would never have said “You remember, don’t you, Mom?” I would never have made her feel bad or guilty or  inadequate because she had forgotten a time that I still remembered.

At 75, with Alzheimer’s dementia Mom still had memories of me as a baby and often shared things I’d said or done as a child. She remembered faraway distant times in her memory, things lost to time many decades ago. Her father and his father, she remembered through the ages.

 But Mom lost the “present” days of her life through no choice of her own.

I have those present recollections but have lost the long ago things of my own childhood, just as all my children have forgotten their infancy and early childhood. I had no memories of the days days we lived in Oregon, nor a bout with pneumonia when only two years old.

And as I walk down my Mother’s Road, as I know I will, I ask my children to be kind and remember these strange things of memory when I forget yesterday.
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Filed Under: about Me, Common Questions, communication Tagged With: Loss of Memory, memory loss

Best Books for Children when Loved One has Alzheimers

10/303 Comments

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Best Books for Children

List of Best Books for young Children who live or visit with an adult who has Alzheimer’s dementia or other Memory Loss.

As we all know, Children tend to blame themselves for everything. If a loved one has Alzheimer’s they assume it must be their fault. If it isn’t their fault, then they will certainly “catch it.”

I remember when my granddaughter came to me and said, “Nana, I have a stomach ache.” Her very next question was– “…am i going to die?”

To alleviate fears of Alzheimer’s, dementia, catching-it or dying, we only need to talk to the young child. Read to them and be as honest as they can understand. Listen listen to them and discuss their thoughts and fears.

You might be surprised if you really listen to a small child. We often take for granted that they understand everything we say, but often they don’t understand at all. When they see someone who is ill, they assume they will be ill too. They often think they did something wrong that caused a loved ones illness.

A child tends to take responsibility for everything in their life. If you have a lengthy conversation with a small child, you might be surprised to learn how they really feel about some things and situations in their life.

If someone they know or love has Alzheimer’s or dementia this list of Best Books for children will help initiate a conversation and may encourage them to speak up and ask questions about the things they don’t understand.

1. Striped Shirts and Flowered Pants

2. Why Did Grandma Put Her Underwear in the Refrigerator?: An Explanation of Alzheimer’s Disease for Children

3. Green Kitty 

4. Always My Grandpa: A Story for Children About Alzheimer’s Disease

5. Allie Learns About Alzheimer’s Disease: A Family Story about Love, Patience, & Acceptance 

6. Hugging Grandma: Loving Those with Memory Disorders 

7. What’s Happening to Grandpa 

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 Why Did Grandma Put Her Underwear in the Refrigerator? Striped Shirts and Flowered Pants Garden Flowers Coloring Book Still My Grandma Rudy’s Memory Walk

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Filed Under: Recommended Reading Tagged With: children and fears, children with Alzheimer's in family, grandma, grandpa, memory loss, youth and alzheimer's

Finding the Sweet Moments in Alzheimer’s

01/161 Comment

Finding the sweet moments in Alzheimer’s

by Linda Austin

My mother was in a nursing home the last three and a half years, suffering the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Her mind had become too dangerous to let her live alone, but she fought the disease—and me trying to help her—with such vehemence I had to move her to a new “senior apartment with helpers.”

She had been kicked out of her real senior apartment for sending billowing smoke from the microwave into the hallway, which set off the smoke alarm causing all the elderly to evacuate the six-story building into a winter night. She told the firemen she knew nothing about any smoke coming from her room.

Looking back at photos, I see her decline was frighteningly rapid. She went from wandering the nursing home with an ankle monitor to being unable to walk to being unable to complete even half a sentence. Then she needed help eating.

She became a tiny, sleepy shadow of her normally feisty, busy-body self, and the despair I felt seeing her like that was soul-crushing. I was left feeling grateful for the smallest of things. That she usually remembered who I was had become a very big thing.

I went to see the cherry blossoms today
but their season was over.
Instead I reveled
in the blooms of crab apples

It was during my mom’s last year or so that I began writing poetry, documenting my experiences at the nursing home while hoping to prevent myself from getting Alzheimer’s by keeping my mind sharp. Poems That Come to Mind appeared on Amazon.com a few days before my mother felt ill and never recovered.

The book is a tribute to her and our new friends at the nursing home with dementia. The bittersweet poems give dignity to those lost in dementia and are reminders that despite the tragedy of Alzheimer’s there is still beauty in their lives.

Small moments, in fact, can carry an exquisite sweetness when those simple pleasures are all that is left.

pink magnolias
we both nap in the spring breeze
no thoughts needed

Accepting the situation was key to being able to see and appreciate these sweet moments with my mother. The visits where I could relax and slow down time with her let me notice and appreciate the littlest things, like feeling the quiet peace of just holding hands, listening to a dove coo on a warm afternoon, or singing an old lullaby together. Being with the other residents let me have special moments with them, too, looking at magazine photos, taking turns sniffing a flower, or simply sharing a smile hello. Many times someone would momentarily break free of the dementia clouds and come out with a funny or feisty remark that would set us all to laughing. You never know what they might say!

Even if your dear one sleeps most of the time or doesn’t know who you are, he or she can feel your touch and hear your voice and can feel comforted by your presence. Talk to her, sing to him, kiss her and tell her you love her. She is there, he is there. Watch for the little precious moments and carry them in your heart.

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Poems That Come to Mind: For Those Who Love Someone With Dementia

 

 

It’s only a game
the two of them played
entwining smiles

Author: Linda Austin enjoys poetry and encourages life writing through her blog at http://moonbridgebooks.com. Her books include her Japanese mother’s WWII memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight, and Poems That Come to Mind: for those who love someone with dementia. Linda lost her mother to Alzheimer’s in November 2012.

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Filed Under: Recommended Reading Tagged With: Alzheimer's, behavior, memory, memory loss, mother, your story

Pat Summit Meets a diagnosis of Dementia Head-On

08/242 Comments

Pat Summit meets dementia head on!

Pat Summitt, 59,  spoke with Washington Post columnist Sally Jenkins— who wrote a biography of Summitt and considers Summitt her best friend.

Summitt learned of her diagnosis of Dementia (Early Onset Alzheimer’s) at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. Jenkins wrote that Summitt almost punched the first doctor who told her. When a second advised her to retire immediately, Summitt said, “Do you know who you’re dealing with?”

Alzheimer’s is not curable and that’s the only thing definitely known about the disease at this time.
You don’t normally associate Alzheimer’s with someone her age, but early onset dementia sometimes occurs in those 45+. What lies ahead is mostly unknown — how her condition might progress, how stress might affect it, how her players might react to all the attention focused on the health of their coach.

The Connecticut coach, Auriemma, Summitt’s chief rival, said, “There is no doubt in my mind that Pat will take on this challenge as she has all others during her Hall of Fame career — head on. I wish her all the best.”

Summit believes with the help of her staff, she can continue coaching for a long time. Doctors recommend for people diagnosed with early Dementia to get support they need to deal with the news and focus on living life the best they can and making plans for the future and participating in it.

Summitt’s plans to do exactly that. She’s decided to give more responsibility to her assistants. “We have always collaborated on every facet of Lady Vol basketball, and now you will see Holly Warlick, Dean Lockwood and Mickie DeMoss taking on more responsibility as their duties will change significantly,” Summitt wrote in her open letter.

Kallmyer, senior director of constituent services for the Chicago-based Alzheimer’s Association, said the image many of us have of Alzheimer’s patients in wheelchairs often doesn’t square with reality because better diagnostics means more patients are learning of the condition in its early stages.

“I think it’s important to remember that while Pat is a basketball coach, the architect of one of the most storied programs in the history of our sport, she is also a mother, and she’s a daughter, and she’s a friend,” Oklahoma coach Sherri Coale said in a statement. “She’s a person who life is happening to. It takes great, great courage to fight health issues; it takes even greater courage to fight them in front of the world.”

We wish all the best to Pat Summit as she faces the challenges ahead!

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Filed Under: News Tagged With: basketball coach, dementia, memory loss, pat summitt, Strength

Mother Knows Best or Does she? Alzheimer’s Changes Everything if she’s Living Alone

03/043 Comments

Mother knows best –or Does she? Alzheimer’s changes everything

Caring for a parent who has Alzheimer’s, is one of the most demanding jobs you’ll ever have.  It isn’t manual labor with heavy lifting and strenuous exertion, but rather an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows every day of the week.

As the only daughter, I felt a since of pride in the beginning because taking care of mom fell to me rather than my two brothers. They both worked full-time, so help or support from them didn’t come on a regular basis. If I needed them, though, they never failed to answer my call.

My Mom was 83 years old and as independent as a single senior could be. She lived alone, cared for herself and was completely self-sufficient–except for one thing. She couldn’t remember anything that happened the previous day, or the previous hour for that matter.

Mom had an adequate income, nice home and good neighbors.  She bought the best clothes, applied makeup every morning –and slipped into the same outfit  she’d worn for the previous three days, or maybe the previous ten days.

She had a library of fine literature, but she couldn’t balance her checkbook or decide which mail to throw away and which to keep.

Still– I felt fortunate to have a “living” mother. At sixty years old, myself, most of my friends had out-lived their mothers by a decade or more.

Though Mom was self-sufficient in many areas, driving wasn’t one of them.

“I drive just fine,” she warned me any time we touched on that topic. “I’ve never had an accident, and you are not taking my car away so you might as well forget it! I can take care of myself. If you’re going to be bossy, you don’t have to come over here at all.”

Mom pulled no punches. Whether I agreed or not, she had the final say! She was older and wiser, wisdom attained from the many miles she had walked in her own shoes alone, without me.  I took no offense. It was difficult enough to watch her independence slowly slipping away a little more everyday.

“You’re the child,” Mom would say, “I’m the Mom.” Mom knew best and she didn’t mind telling me so– especially when it came to her car.

I had begged, cajoled and  pleaded for Mom to give up her driving priveleges voluntarily. I didn’t like ‘bossing her around,’ as she called it.

I visited twice a week for shopping trips and doctor’s appointments. My husband swung by on his way home from work on the days that I didn’t go to Mom’s. My two brothers always visited on alternate days so we knew Mom had family at her home almost every day of the week. She didn’t need a car and, clearly, her driving ability wasn’t what it use to be.

Besides running red lights and stop signs, there was also the matter of Mom’s numerous visits to Safeway. On one bank statement, she had written 4 checks to Safeway within a 2 hour time-span. When I spoke with the friendly staff who worked there, they all verified that Mom ran in and out of Safeway on a regular basis, some trips within five minutes of each other and bought the exact same merchandise.

Mom also purchased duplicate items on subsequent visits also, which added up to: 4 cans of coffee, 5 gallons of milk, 4 bags of cookies, 4 loaves of bread–all on a single day of shopping.

The car had to go! I called my brother and he moved Mom’s car, without her knowledge, to another location by that evening.

Yes, I did feel guilty. She was the Mom and I was the child, after all, and somehow, it felt more than dishonest to lie to her. Was it really my business?

When a parent can no longer drive their car, or prepare their food, or take their medication on a daily basis–it is always our business. We must be aware of when they can live alone and when it is no longer advisable.

Mom accepted our explanation that the car had been moved to the shop for needed repairs. She asked about it every day and I told her it would be returned ‘tomorrow‘ for nearly a year.

Many things must wait till ‘tomorrow’ when a parent has Alzheimer’s or Dementia and there is no other way to avoid the angst of their temper.

Eventually, Mom forgot to ask about the car and forgot to eat and forgot to take her medication and was no longer able to live alone. She could still smile and tell me that I was NOT her boss for many months after we took her car away, but she no longer argued with most of my choices for her.

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An excellent book to help with the issues of Caring for an Elderly Parent, especially if they have issues with anger.  “Elder Rage,” by Jacqueline Marcell

A riveting, easy to read, and often humorous, non-fiction novel that chronicles Jacqueline Marcell’s trials and tribulations, and eventual success at managing the care of her aging parents.

Elder Rage is also an extensive self-help book with solutions for effective management, medically and behaviorally, of challenging elders who resist care.

Includes answers to difficult “how to” questions like: getting obstinate elders to give up driving, accept a caregiver, see a different doctor, go to adult day care, move to a new residence–and includes a wealth of valuable resources, websites and recommended reading.

The addendum by renowned dementia specialist, Rodman Shankle, MS MD: A Physician’s Guide to Treating Dementia, makes it valuable for everyone from the family to the physician. Elder Rage is required reading at several universities for graduate courses in geriatric assessment and management.

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A Few Reviews

“A remarkable book… you deserve a great credit, congratulations!” — Steve Allen

“A riveting story, punctuated by wit and humor. Not only for the lay public but for general physicians, psychologists, neurologists, and psychiatrists.” — Kaiser Permanente Journal, Dr. Elliot S. Eisenberg, MD, Spring 2001

“Filled with practical advice. Marcell gives insights for anyone facing such tough decisions. We can learn a lot from her experience.” — Modern Healthcare Magazine, Charles S. Lauer, Publisher, March 5, 2001

“I thought I knew Jacqueline until I read her book. Wow, what a story!” — Regis Philbin

“It’s like fiction, or a made-for-TV movie, filled with despair and deception, then resolution and redemption–leavened by doses of humor.” — AARP’s BULLETIN, Cover Story, by Susan L. Crowley, April 2001.

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Filed Under: Care Tips, Recommended Reading, What are the Signs and Symptoms Tagged With: Alzheimer's, dementia, living alone, memory loss, Mother does not know best, parenting parent

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