How to Respond to False Accusations from someone who has Alzheimer’s–
More often than you think, a person with Alzheimer’s Dementia may falsely accuse a caregiver, family or friend. They might make accusations of abuse or persecution at the hands of a caregiver or nursing home. To be sure, all accusations should be investigated to verify the truth of the matter.
The person with Alzheimer’s does not invent stories from malice. But more often than not, the person with Alzheimer’s is mistaken in their reasoning
Accusations of theft by the Person with Alzheimer’s
It’s more likely that the person with Alzheimer’s misplaced their own property. My Mom seldom put things away in the same place twice because she couldn’t remember where to put them.
When she folded clothes or cleaned house, she couldn’t remember where things belonged. Hence, household items were seldom returned to the same place twice, drawers and cabinets became a hodge-podge of various items.
When visiting Mom, I was as likely to find a can of coffee in the bathroom cabinet as a roll of toilet paper under the kitchen sink. She no longer remembered her own filing system. Her brain no longer formed appropriate Associations of : Things to Places –
Short story:
I can remember being in Mom’s home, (before Alzheimer’s diagnosis) preparing soup for our lunch. When I asked Mom to get the crackers, her eyes went blank. I assumed it was one of those “senior moments,” (I’ve had a few of those myself).
She was caught off guard. But– she never remembered where the crackers were stored and it took both of us searching for an half-hour before we finally found the crackers in a shelf over the entertainment center
. I can still remember the oddity of that moment, but still convinced myself it was only mom’s age playing tricks on her.
It would be much much later before I realized something was seriously wrong.
Since the Caregiver is most familiar to the person with Alzheimer’s, and sometimes the only one at hand, they most surely are the one who stole the missing item. There is no rationale to this reasoning, but due to damage to the brain by the build-up of plaque, the person with Alzheimer’s can no longer reach a reasonable conclusion
Without short-term memory, the person with Alzheimer’s lives in the moment — all the moments of memory that went before this one moment are gone! Without memory of all those moments, they won’t remember that they misplaced the item themselves, they won’t remember all the caregiver does in a single day’s time to support and help and care for them.
All they know is this one moment: their item is missing and the caregiver is present, she must have taken it. A flawed deduction but the only one that the person with Alzheimer’s is able to make.
Without memory of past moments, it’s easy to understand why folks with Alzheimer’s remain in a state of confusion for most of the time.
Without past memories, they also forget that they are no longer able to drive, or handle their finances, or babysit their grandchildren, or know when to take their medicine, or live alone, etc.
Their reasoning about these losses is as flawed as their reasoning about their missing items. The person with mid-to-late stage Alzheimer’s feels as though things, people and places are being stolen away from them. Therefore, they assume the caregiver won’t let them go home, find their mother, drive their car, or spend time alone with their grandchildren, etc.
Since the Caregiver is in-control, to the Alzheimer patient’s way of reasoning, the caregiver is “at fault.”
A few Books for more insight about the person with dementia
How to Respond to the Accusations
These accusations are so personal and hurtful, the first thing we feel is emotional pain and the need to defend. The temptation is to strike back in an angry tone and let the patient know that they probably misplaced any lost items themselves. Yet, that would be a futile response.
No matter how well your reasoning sounds, they will not see your point of view. The plaque has damaged their brain so that their reasoning is flawed. No matter how often you try to explain the fact of the matter to an Alzheimer’s patient, they will not understand. They can’t help it. Most likely, if you confront the Alzheimer’s Patient in an angry or upset mood, they may well become angry and belligerent. To their reasoning, any confrontation is an attack against their person and they may become violent.
In most cases, I suggest that you agree with the Alzheimer’s patient at all cost. When my Mom would cry to go home and see her mother, I would say, “We’ll do it tomorrow.”
In the case of false accusations, you can not agree or pretend to go along with the patient’s accusations. To confront or argue could present a volatile situation, while agreeing would defame someone falsely. Instead, you do need to be sympathetic to their loss and perhaps persuade them to search for the item with your assistance, which is generally found where the patient misplaced it. With an arm around the patient you might suggest, “Oh my, your purse is missing? Let’s see if we can find it.”
Often the Alzheimer’s or Dementia sufferer makes the same erroneous accusations because items have been removed from their possession for their own safety; car keys, curling iron, medications, power tools, weapons, etc.
The first thing to understand is that this suspicious or paranoid behavior can not be controlled by the person with Alzheimer’s. It is totally out of their control. Their reasoning is flawed due to brain damage and they aren’t able to think any other way. Every minute is a new minute and they have no past behavior as a reference to judge any incident.
With a little ingenuity, there is always a safe way to handle each new accusation.
When my mom accused me of stealing her money, (this is a common accusation from an Alzheimer’s sufferer):
I retrieved several old bank statements, blacked-out all personal information and identifying account numbers and folded them into her purse. Mom carried her purse on her arm and would sit and go through each item stored in her purse methodically throughout the day. Within weeks those bank statements were soft as cotton from constant handling, but it was reassuring for Mom to check her money at a glance. And all accusations that I was stealing money from her stopped. My brothers thought it was quite ingenious.
Thankfully, my brothers were totally supportive of all my actions. We sat down to a family meeting as soon as Mom was diagnosed. Together, we went over bank statements, monthly bills, assets and liabilities. By making many decisions early-on, there were few problems later. If she was billed for a large expenditure such as an hospitalization, or yearly property tax, etc., I simply emailed to let my brothers know.
Often, it is more difficult for those family members who don’t see the patient on a regular basis. When hearing any accusations for the first time, they may not understand Alzheimer’s disease and it’s detrimental affect on the person with dementia. Perhaps, a kind way to help them is to offer a gift of knowledge. Offer them a book about Alzheimer’s, that explains all the puzzling behavior that you’ve learned to cope with every day.
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Thank you for your post! My grandma (has dementia) accuses my grandpa (her caregiver) of stealing “her” car every time he drives to the store. She is no longer recognizing him and thinks he is a stranger in her house (he’s very overwhelmed and is talking to her with a lot of anger so I don’t think she recognizes him as her husband). We are a little stuck in what to do because she keeps calling the cops over this. He will leave a note for her on the garage door but it doesn’t really help. It’s nice to read others have a similar experience.
Oh Sarah, that is a sad situation. I’m not quite sure what to suggest. I remember my Mom was furious when my brother took her car away. She didn’t recognize him as her son either. But, my brother didn’t live with her.
I hope some of our readers may think of a better way to help this situation. You will have to stay aware of the situation for sure. He angry moments, could cause him to react badly.
I know, it can be very difficult. I had some tough arguments with my Mom too. In the end, my Mom had to go into a Group Home because she became too angry. But she stayed so busy at the Group Home, she had no problems at all there.
Perhaps your Dad could check on the Care Centers in your area. Lots of folks have the person with Alzheimer’s or Dementia go to a Day Care a couple days a week. Just enough to give him a little rest. It might make it easier for him during these trials.
Take care,
Sandy
Yeah? What do you do when your demented grandmother constantly accuses you of having killed her cats that she had 10-20 years ago, and chopping up their bodies and hiding them in the trash? Because this is a daily occurence for me. She’s called the police on me several times because “she saw” me “putting her cats on the barbecue grill” or “holding fire to her cat’s feet”.
Hello,
I’m so sorry you are having such times with your grandmother. I’m not able to add all of your comments, but I certainly understand.
Alzheimer’s can be a very mean disease at times. The one thing you need to remember is that it is not her real thoughts. She is held hostage by a disease that is speaking for her. A horrid disease that affects the brain.
Do you have any relatives who might share the care of your grandmother? Maybe you need some time alone to recoup from the harsh behavior. Sometimes when the behavior is severe, it’s best to give yourself a little vacation. Or, if you can find an activity that you can both enjoy.
My mom loved to paint. So I’d wrap a big table in old newspapers and buy those unpainted ceramics in the Dollar Store. Mom could be happy as lark all day long. She was the same with Crayons too. She loved her coloring books.
Try to keep your grandma busy with things she enjoys. Many older ladies love dolls.
If you are the only caregiver for her, you need a break. It’s a stressful job and perhaps another family member can care for grandma for a couple days.
Our thoughts are with you. Take care of Grandam, and yourself too.
Sandy
My mother was not kind to her children, she kicked my sister out when she was 13 and was mentally and physically abusive. I moved out two weeks after I graduated High School and never looked back. I paid my way through college and live a happy life with my husband and kids in a different state. Out of obligation more so than anything else I have stayed in contact with my mother since she disowned the rest of her kids. She does not like children and has only met mine once, 10 years ago. She was never really a grandmother to them and they just considered her the bitter woman their mother called once a week to listen to her vent about how everyone in her life has wronged her. Last month my mother started calling the police claiming that I drove to her house and broke in and stole her purse. She lives 7 hours away and I haven’t seen her in 10 years. I was able to call and clear my name. Then she called again. Now she has taken out a warrant for our theft of her credit cards that we drive in the middle of the night to steal. I am beyond angry about this. We have offered to help her and been refused before all of these calls started. Now I don’t want to help her, I want to sue her just so I can take everything she owns and turn it over to a home and put her away. She’s ruining my life. She has got my other relatives believing this nonsense and now they are calling with threats. I am tired of this harassment. I didn’t like her to begin with and now I just hate her. Disease or not, she was nasty before, now she’s a nightmare without end. Can I just wash my hands of her and walk away or am I legally obligated to help her?
Hello Angry…
I can certainly understand your anger and none of it really applies to Alzheimer’s though. Since it seems your Mom had issues way before Alzheimer’s.
I do think you’re right about protecting yourself. You may need to speak with an attorney or legal aid of some sort. I don’t think you’re automatically expected to take care of your Mom and especially since you don’t live in the same area. Yet, it might be better to contact someone who knows the law on that subject.
I wish you all the best and hope you’re able to make peace with her eventually. As the disease progresses, some become more docile. I hope that’s the case in your instance.
Our thoughts are with you,
Sandy
I have to say, i can relate with this story the most! I am an only child. My mother’s stories about her own mother are anything but maternal! She had issues! My mother is very extreme. Now that i am 40-sh i wished that I would have a more calm relationship with my mother but no, she had to have this bloody disease to make this even WORST for me and my father. I was full of hatred growing up. I carry this anger like a badge. I used it to motivate myself but it can really be tiring! I hate the idea that most of my life revolved around pleasing her, avoiding to get her angry, and now, there is no way to reason with her.
Oh Joan, I can feel your pain. If your Mom is like mine was, dementia wasn’t even similar to my Mom from the past. Those two personalities were like two different people.
I hope that happens for you too. After folks are deep into Alzheimer’s, they are seldom the same. I hope your Mom will be more loving than in the past.
I have to admit, Mom and I had many fun times. She did things she would never have done before Alzheimer’s.
My thoughts will be with you Joan,
Sandy
IM very close to my mother being her carer I would never of thought I would be accused of stealing i feel a sense of loss how do I go and see her now? There will be no reasoning against Alzheimer’s and i know i could never win. My mother feels she’s ok and it should be kept that way.
The problem i have is when i go to the door each time says she is going out. I worry for her who will look after her everyday needs. my mother is in an independent home for those that can be independent people can assume you have a carer however you don’t unless you say you need one. My mother is not in a position to say what she needs but i know she needs assisted living arrangements.
I don’t have support from my other siblings. But unless your willing to understand there is a problem what can i do!
Ive gone with her previous to her hospital appointments and seen the subtle changes though no longer subtle in reasoning but my mother looks fine otherwise. Her doctor who i don’t know since moving to the independent home sent a letter to me that he was concerned about her but never turned up at her home when i did. signs things was not right post date when i began getting calls from police accusing her ex landlord of stealing then the ex-caretaker. i got her moved she still was saying the same people was stealing that they must of found out her new address and believed they were following her. Police ruled that out with cctv as did the home, they have security and plus the caretaker was 80+.
i even had calls in the middle of the night that she was charging up her phone and i postdate asked do you know what time it is and she would laugh. But those calls have stopped and i never receive any calls from her in the last year and I’m sure she does not remember numbers. It horrible as i feel her disconnect. I’m just beginning to understand Alzheimer’s but not all the effects i would like advice if possible.
I really miss i would like to see her without her saying she is going out, every time i try to visit her. How can one get round this?
Should i speak to her Gp i always thought they might make things worse for her but they might be able to help too but with things like ?
Katherine, I feel your pain so much!
Those circumstances were mine approx 9 years ago. As the only daughter, I took responsibility for my Mom. I know your despairl It’s as though our Mom just vanished over night. It had happened so gradually; the grocery store had to take her car home, she tipped her beautician $100 bill, a grandson was purchasing large items on her credit card, and her family doctor thought she was just fine!
The simple truth is, your are right! She should no longer be living alone. I allowed my Mom to live alone longer than I should have. I was never able to stop her from driving until my brother went over and drove her car away. She had some really nice words for me on that day. We want to think they are better-off than they really are.
You’ve done nothing wrong. It isn’t your fault. She isn’t ignoring you. Truthfully, she has probably forgotten how to dial the phone. (Mom tried for hours to reach me with the TV Channel Changer at her ear.) She probably doesn’t recognize the phone nor is she able to read hands on a clock.
Yes, she will accuse you of stealing her money because she doesn’t know where it is. (To Mom’s purse that always hung on her shoulder, I added an old bank statement with all personal info blacked-out, along with a coin purse full of pennies.) She thought she was the richest lady around.
Katherine, talk to her doctor. Join a group (there are several on Facebook) “Memory People” is my favorite. Learn what you need to do to help yourself. It’s as stressful for the caregivers as the folks with Alzheimer’s. I’m in the early stages myself, and I’m constantly warning my daughter about the things I will eventually do or say. I want her to be prepared and your mother would want that for you too. She just didn’t know it was coming.
Take care Katherine, we are all thinking about you,
Sandy
I also constantly get calls in the middle of the night; usually to accuse of something completely insane. Lately I’ve been muting my phone when I go to sleep though. I’m done tolerating these 2-3-4 AM phone calls where she’s screaming at me incoherently.
Hi. I have a bit of an unusual situation and could use some help. My mother has Alzheimer’s and an ostomy. The false accusation she makes is that what my father eats causes her to have to empty her bag more often, or causes her ostomy not to function properly. They share a room at an assisted living facility. My dad has mild dementia himself and has difficulty remembering not to try to correct or argue with her. They end up in arguments which they call me to resolve (I live across the country and manage their care long distance.) I have yet to come up with a creative solution that Mom will accept. Dad has already agreed to stop eating chocolate, and now to stop having any snack after dinner. This hardly seems fair to him. Any suggestions?
Oh my goodness. That could certainly be an issue, for both Mom and Dad. I agree with you, it isn’t fair to dad. Since you know them better than me, if you can think of anything to soothe her (truthful or not) I would try. During Mom’s later years, sometimes a fib would be the only way to control some of her behavior. Plus, what you tell her in one hour, she won’t remember in the next. Maybe if you could tell him something, (he’s helping her by going along) or something, it might help.
I’m gonna think on this one, Melissa. And we may get some good responses from other readers as well.
Thank you for sharing. I know it’s tough to be a long distance caregiver.
Sandy
Currently, our local district attorney is reviewing potential charges against me for exploitation of my elderly sister who has moderately severe Alzheimer’s. It all started when my sister wrote me some checks to pay for my travel across country to care for her, as well as to pay for her in-home nurse. At the time she wrote the checks, she was very happy to do it, but when the bank manager called her at home to ask about the unusual activity on her account, my sister went hysterical. She told her neighbors, her hairdresser, all her friends at the Senior Center, and our long-distant relatives by telephone that I was stealing from her. And because of the dementia, she repeated her tale of woe over and over. Once Adult Protective Services got hold of the information, the investigator didn’t even tell me about the allegations (so that I could provide documentation that I was not benefitting, but was paying my sister’s bills). The report came back that the allegations were founded, and they forwarded the report to my local sheriff. (I live several states away from my sister’s former home; now she lives with me.)
I’m appealing the decision with Adult Protective Services, and am just waiting on whether the D.A. will want to prosecute. The detective told me he had seen these false accusations by dementia patients, and hopefully, could forward his report to the D.A. with a favorable outcome for me.
I wish I could go back in time. I would have left my sister in her assisted living, even though she called me every day begging me to help her get out.
Lori,
I understand what you mean. Our family had several issues with money (including a young family member who thought he could handle mom’s money better than any of us old folks.) But legitimate financial dealings can get tied up too. It happens. I know how you must feel. I was lucky to have a brother. We would agree what to do, so there was always someone else aware of Mom’s care.
I’m glad you’re dealing with the Adult Protective Services. I’ve found them to be fair and realize the caregivers actions to care for the folks with Alzheimer’s who live alone. Generally, they understand most things that caregivers are faced with. And accusations of theft from the person with Alzheimer’s is a fairly common thing. They forget everything, so things like money arrangements, etc should be documented. The hard part is, who thinks to document until it happens. To their way of thinking, if they don’t remember it–it didin’t happen.
I’m wishing you much luck and hope you keep the Adult Protective Services up to date. I feel certain they will understand the circumstances.
Thank you stopping by,
Sandy
This also happened to me. My grandmother would constantly ask me to go to the ATM, take out X amount of dollars (this is back when she still had control of her own funds). I would obey her wishes. Sometimes she would give me money to order food or go grocery shopping. Sometimes I would order something for her from Amazon that she wanted. Anyway, she started not being able to remember things so she started calling her bank and telling them that “someone is using her card”. Multiple times they cancelled and re-issued her card, which caused 2 week long periods of constant complaining to me because he card doesn’t work (she couldn’t remember that SHE called her bank and told them the account was compromised, etc.). Also, I once had people from the bank show up at her house and question me, and essentially accuse me of taking her money. It was quite scary. This is one of the reasons I think that legalized euthanasia should be permitted, because even if you’re a good person who decides to take care of them, you are really taking big big risks. Who’s to say I couldn’t have been arrested and charged for elder abuse or whatever crime taking advantage of a demented old person’s finances constitutes? I’ve had several instances where I came out of the shower and exited the bathroom with a towel around me, and walked into a group of angry cops who wanted to beat the shit out of me because of completely made up stories my grandmother told them.
I have never EVER done anything bad to my grandmother. I never laid a finger on her in anger and I never stole from her or even took advantage of her. And yet, as her carer, if an accusation gets made, all eyes are on me. I admit that since she has been officially diagnosed, my concerns have lessened. The police, by now, know that my grandmother is out of her mind. But in the beginning, it was terrifying and I was very afraid and anxious.
I still have both parents with me, and I am very Blessed to still have them at almost 88 yrs old. They both have dementia, they are still in their home, but need help with bills, medicine and transportation to drs. They do make up stories and accuse us of saying things that we did not say. My father is getting very irratable with my sister and I and our Mother. We are scared he might hit one of us. What should we do if this happens?! We just take one day at a time, but never know what the next day will bring. We have 2 parents to care for and it gets very overwhelming at times.
Thanks
Gayla, I can only imagine how it must be with two. I only took care of my mom but had a handful on most days during the later stages. I hope you are getting respite from other family members. With two folks, you sure need some rest time for yourself.
I do understand how difficult it can be. My mom’s first instinct if she was angry was to lash out and slap. I don’t think they intend to hurt anyone, but they certainly can. I know my Mom was strong and stout, plus we never ever want to hit them. I’m hoping, Gayla, that if you find the need, you will search for a center or home for your loved one.
You might not need to, as loving and a little chocolate can do miracles. But you can’t keep them at home if they are hitting or abusive.
Thank you so much for visiting and sharing your story, it will surely help someone else.
Sandy
I have been struggling with this since 2010. My mother first accused me of stealing her passport. She said I was deliberately trying to limit her freedom. Unfortunately she has told many people and over the years family friends, relatives even have automatically taken her side and I am cast out right now and regarded as an evil person.
My mother has considerable assets and I am sure the ‘siding’ with my mother has a great deal to do with opportunism .. while she is offside with me, its a great opportunity to listen, sympathise and potentially cash in on the rift that has been created by my mothers inability to recall and her desperation to prove that it isn’t dementia .. that she is perfectly normal and I in fact have turned out to be a thief.
Her diary notes which she leaves lying in open places say such things so I am not dreaming this up. She is still remarkable and admirable in many ways. She drives, she can do sums in her head, she can make a pavlova from memory but anything new is forgotten quickly. She can look for something and see it but not “see it” and swear she has looked everywhere for it. She is ready to call me a thief.
When I realise she is all wound up over losing something and that she is ready to practically call the police, I usually find it within half an hour. There is no apology, she is relieved and happy the item is found but has no sense of shame or sorrow at what she has put me through. Many hunts for belongings have taken place late at night when I have been woken from sleep due to her conviction that I have stolen something and I cannot bear to see her wringing her hands (literally) in despair.
The worst thing I have struck in this whole episode however is the manner in which the legal profession deal with these things. My mother’s laywers have listened to her and think I am everything she has said, and they have purposely made themselves her power of attorney and have hidden documents from me etc. They stonewall me when I ask to see what is going on. They tell me her affairs are none of my business. However due to some bad advice / or lack of care on their part my mother ended up in temporary but very real financial hardship. Despite her wealth, after dealing secretly with the lawyer who told me nothing of her financial dealings, she managed to lose $250000 in 2 years.
It was fortunate that it was not more but the loss left her asset rich and cash poor. He shrugged his shoulders over the matter and told me it was “none of my business”. In order to save her from having to sell a major asset I loaned her (with no interest) $100K ($100,000) in order to bail her out. She still thinks I am a thief 🙂 I wanted to put a caveat over her property (which I have saved) to protect me and her from selling it cheaply to a shyster … would the lawyer let her do it? No, I have had to make the loan completely unsecured because he refused to let her sign the documents. I have been to four lawyers now to try to get some safety measures put in place and no one will do it, I don’t want anything from her. I just don’t want her to lose what she has.
You’d think someone could see that but its really virtually impossible. POA aside and I really don’t want to take away her independence there is nothing I can do to protect her. I can only see that these lawyers are biding their time waiting for the day when they get total POA and they will and they will shove her in a rest home, take the money and that will be that. And its all legal. I have warned her that once they have control, I won’t be able to help her but it doesn’t help. If she had only a little money it would be fine, they wouldn’t be interested.
Hello,
I’m very sorry for the position you find for you and your Mom. I can certainly see that happening. Those with Alzheimer’s dementia can speak a good story and usually believe what they are saying themselves. Yet, as you day, it can bring about dire financial problems for the person who has dementia and has convinced folks other wise.
I saw my own mother assure physician and family members that she was perfectly fine. There was no money involved as in your case, but I was often left embarrassed when Mom told tales that were not true. Still, eventually, as their disease worsens most folks begin to see the position you are in as you care for her.
I’m not certain what would be best for you to do about the money issues. Have you tried speaking with an “Elder Care Attorney?” It seems they would be familiar with this sort of situation and might be able to help you.
If you are in the United States, there is also a phone number for “Elder Abuse” in most phone books. They would certainly hear your issue and try to respond.
If any reader has better advice for your situation, perhaps they will add a note or suggestion here.
I hope you are able to get help for your mom soon. All our best wishes are with you.
Sandy
I am a caregiver and have been with my client for a yr. he wants only me to be there he has dementia and his family live out of town.i have taken him to bank a few times and I take him where he wants to go,now after all this time I am now being accused of theft,taking his money by one of his family members .when we get home he goes to bdrm changes clothes and comes back into his man cave.i have no idea where his money is,I’m not a nosy caregiver.i think because of his dementia he has put his money in other part of his wallet or in his rm but I can’t go prying that’s his personal space.the family have said how much they love and appreciate my time with him.my feelings are very hurt because I became part of family and don’t know how to prove I did nothing wrong but love and respect this client.now my reputation has been damaged and I truly love my job what to do help
Oh my goodness, I do understand.
My Mom would misplace her money and anything else that she was keeping. When someone is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s, they should not be responsible for any sum of money. After mom began to lose money (and give it away, she once tipped her hairdresser $100–) I put $2 in her purse. Sort of “play money” for her and paid for anything else that she might need.
If we went shopping, I would give her a couple dollars, but pay by check rather than allow her a large sum of money.
I do understand how you feel and am so sorry that you are having these accusations. You might allow his family to read this article so they will understand what is happening.
My Mom accused me of stealing her shoes, hair brush, jewelry and hearing aid. They all re-appeared eventually. But I did stop giving her cash other than her $2 allowance. She was as happy with $2 as anyone would be with $20 or $200. She knew no difference.
I hope the kind family that allows you to care for their loved one will understand that this is a common occurence with those who forget so quickly and easily.
All our best to you,
Sandy
Good morning,
I am thanking you so much for sharing of your own caregiver experiences that I found it to be very helpful for myself and surely for others an Alzheimer’s Patients caregiver. Reading this I feelt like I am looking at greater part of my life that I am spending now.
My wife, my doughter and myself are caregivers to my Mother in law who lives with us in our house and is afflicted with far gone Alzheimers’. We are doing our best to asure her anything she needs like a love, quiet, care, ..etc. We however accounter accusations from her side anyway.
In order to assure her proper care, we have moved her two years ago from her flat in small village where she was alone to our little town’s house. She is 87 and she has lived there since 50 years. Obviously she was not so happy, but accepted it because doctor recommendation. We know she loves us so much but in spite ot this gives us every so often an impression of discontent.
As so far she does not accuse us of theft, maybe because she never been attaching importance to monies, things,.. . But her obstinate sadness can be depresive for us that we feel guilty somehow. We organize for her a visits of her old home, but she does not care this place when arrived there and usually after while wants go back home. Looks like she yearns sometime for something/somebody ?.
We speak with her as much as we can but have to be careful because easely can be brouht highly strung because can’t remaind names, places, affairs and words that would be used to define subject of discussion. She stopped read books newspapers that she liked to do before. She lives in her own poor world limited mostly to being moment. It is like you said , “every minute is a new minute” without reference/conection to the past.
We are trying to interfere in her world and we can see we are succesful becasue she is getting more enthusiasmed behaviour.
We are sure we manage this challenge, although we are worried about what next hour, day, month,.. can bring us.
Once more, thanks a lot for your all leads and explanation.
My wormest regards, Jerzy.
Jerzy, I can tell that you are a kind a loving family. And you are doing the very best for your mother-in-law.
It is a difficult journey we join when we are caregivers for them, but still- it is so rewarding when we see them smile, or happy if only for a moment.
It is obvious that you and your wife are doing the very best that you can. But always remember that she may not behave as she did in the past, just as she may not be as grateful as she may have been from years ago. With dementia their mindset changes, and it is no fault of theirs but rather the insidious disease that affects their brain.
When she yearns for her old home, she may be yearning for her childhood home that she shared with her own mother. Never forget that their mind is going backward in time. Their yearnings are for a past that no longer exists.
I think you are doing the best you possibly can to love and protect her. But you and your wife may still need respite for yourselves occasionally. Share a night out, or visits with others who also care for a loved one.
Wishing all the best to you lovely folks and bless you for all the kindness to your Mom-in-law.
Thank you for sharing with us,
~Sandy
Good morning!
Absolutely loved your post on this often not discussed topic. I had been my mom’s primary caregiver for 14 years. She had Dementia. Fortunately, my mom never engaged in that type of accusatory behavior with me, but my aunt did. She also came down with Dementia. She lived in an assisted-living facility. Her constant accusations and falsehoods became very frustrating to me. I would go over to the home care agency to help her regularly. Must admit that at times, it did hurt. But, I was strong enough to overlook it and not take it personally. She past away last year. So did my mom.
So, yes. Acquaintances and other family members who do hear them tell prevarications of suspicious activities–such as theft–about the caregiver can’t help but cause a few raised eyebrows in doubting you. Sometimes these seniors can be very convincing! Heehee! It’s kind of funny when you think about it.
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing. visit twilightcareforseniors when you get some time.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your Aunt and Mom. It’s heart breaking for sure. You’re an angel for assisting with both.
I know. I was mortified when Mom would tell my brother some outrageous story that was totally concocted. Even when you explain later, if they don’t visit often enough to see it for them self, they’re suspicious. I think the only one who really understands is another caregiver.
~Sandy
Thanks for this – a great help – in fact a life saver!