Elder Care Decisions and Nursing Home Guilt
Elder Care Decisions are difficult to make, especially when you must find a nursing home.
Deciding how to best care for an aging loved
Taking care of an elder requires dedicated amounts of time, energy, and patience. If we have children, extra space in the home is often a non-existent commodity.
If we have to work two jobs to make ends meet, spare time is a distant memory. Despite the financial and physical reasons to struggle with making an elder care decision, the biggest battle is usually an emotional one.
The guilt that often follows 
We worry about their health and if they are being properly cared for. We blame ourselves
• Do your homework
Prior to placing your loved one into a care facility, check out nursing homes with the best reviews. Reading what other people have to say about a specific location will allow you to get a feel for the staff, food, care, etc. This way, if something makes you uncomfortable, you and your loved one can explore other options.
• Remain involved
Keep in touch with the facility staff as well as your loved one. Listen to what they say and observe how other patients are treated. Check your elder for bed sores
• Forgive yourself
The decision to put your loved one in a care facility was not easy, but caring for them yourself was likely no longer possible. Remember that they love you too, and just as you want an unsurpassed quality of life for them—they would want the same for you. The decision was made according to what best fit the needs of all parties involved.
Deciding how to best care for an aging loved one is never easy. However, if you consider all options and find the one that is best, based upon the circumstances, there is no need to feel guilt. Be proud that you care enough for your loved one(s) to put them in the most capable hands possible.
Madison Hill is a freelance writer with the most beautiful daughters in the world.
When she’s not ruling (yes, totally ruling) the Bingo! scene, you can find her scrapbooking and caring for her mother. Google +
Stacie Haney says
06/08 at 2:13 amI have been caring for my mother with dementia for the past 5 years, She has always got in moods saying she wants to live alone, She gets somewhat aggressive and belittles me, she calls other family members stating I start arguments, She has told the managers she wants an apt alone, This most recent the manager is giving her an apt, Family members tell me let her go, I know she couldn’t be safe by herself due to my experience, my job entails doing everything, She would be a risk to herself and everyone around her, Is there a professional I can get to talk to her about the risks she would take and that she cannot live alone, she will not listen to me… Our caseworker agreed with her the last episode, confused and stressed, Stacie, IP provider
Sandysgingham says
06/10 at 9:14 amBelieve me, I know how you feel. My Mom was about the same when I finally had to place her in a care home. No one would be able to change your Mom and the ideas that she holds right now. Her thoughts are not her own.
When my Mom was at that point I was talking to my mailman one day about nursing homes. He looked at me and said, “you’re kidding,” There are homes for the elderly on every block of this neighborhood!
I did a search and visited several homes, finally choosing one that had lots of helpers. A big wooly dog who fetched socks and rolling balls. Each person had their own rocking chair recliners. Bame tags on each Recliner and Rolling Walker. This Home had 10 occupants and each had their own room with bathroom, and best of all, it was 3 blocks from my house. I asked for a trial of 1 month before I signed a contract. That was the best thing I ever did. My Mom loved that place. I visited almost every day and sometimes for many hours. They had all sorts of activities (until after lunch) then everyone took a rest.
Mom’s all time favorite thing was that they created a flower bed just for her. She had dirt, pots, and all the planting she wanted to do. Mom was very happy at that home.
Several of the folks who came there would only stay half day or a few hours. Check on a few of them in your area. There’s nothing like a breather…. for yourself and your Mom.
Take Care,
Sandy
Sandysgingham says
08/11 at 5:22 pmAhh, I’m so sorry Stacie.
My Mom was much the same. She was so tired of me telling her what to do. But….
Near the end, she just loved me to pieces. She had to move to a group home the last year of her life. She became very combative. (She was with 9 other ladies with Alzheimer’s and frankly, they had quite fun together)
I would visit every day because she was only a couple blocks away. And she was so tickled to see me. She didn’t know I was her daughter, but just another old lady who came to see her every day. It worked fine for me. And we had a very blissful final year together.
You never know how Alzheimer’s will progress.
Best with your Mom,
Sandy
Carol says
04/20 at 9:21 amIt is a difficult decision to put you love one in a memory care unit. I feel you will know when it is necessary. My husband was 6’1 and for years worked out daily . He was very strong. I only at 5’ was no match for him. Until his Alzheimer’s we never fought, never argued we loved each other and he was very protective of me.
Once my Bob started having hallucinations our relationship changed. I couldn’t hire a caretaker for our home. My husband was too strong and had too many delusions for a caretaker to be safe in our home.
One day moving him to a care center the decision seemed to be made for me. I returned from Mass and my Bob clearly hadn’t showered or shaved. Always he was well groomed. After his shower he came to the room I was in clearly very agitated.
For the 1st time in our marriage he put his hands on me. He took his hand and poked my chest yelling. He was angry because our “cat” told him I took $2000 from the box he brought home from work the night before. 1) our cat doesn’t talk. 2) my husband hadn’t worked for years. He then went outside to the patio and was prancing like a caged animal.
I took the phones and my purse and locked myself in the bathroom. I called a neurologist at the hospital. I was advised to call 911 but to make sure either police or EMT know he had Alzheimer’s. Another option was if I felt safe to drive him to the hospital which was option I took. I had waited a couple of hours and told him he had a doctor appointment. Although it was Sunday he had no clue.
After that event I knew neither Bob nor I was safe and it was time to place him in memory care.
Is there guilt, yes. Did I want to be with him yes. Did I want him and me to be safe yes. It was difficult at first . He kept asking to come home. I explained his room was his apartment and saw him daily. Eventually he did have to move to another facility due to him needing more extensive care. But I knew no matter how I felt I was doing the best for him . I went every day from 10:30 am to 7:00pm so I could feed him his lunch and dinner as well as make sure he was properly transferred to bed.
Sandysgingham says
04/21 at 8:28 amI feel for you. I felt the agony the night my Mom hit me and we had to move her. Thank you so much for sharing. No one really understands until they hear all that you’ve written. I hear the love for him in your voice. And without Alzheimer’s, none of those things would have happened.
But Alzheimer’s is what it is and you did the right thing. If your husband was healthy today, he would agree that you did what you needed to do. Difficult as it is.
Thank you for sharing and take care of yourself, for you and him. We bless you for sharing.
Sandy
Deanna Cooper says
12/25 at 7:47 pmMy father is 74 and is in a stage between mild and moderate. Just last week didn’t recognize himself in photos from a year ago or his daughters and granddaughter from recent photos. I’ve paid his bills for over a year now. He’s never realized the difference. Thinks his cell phone is free, has no idea what tv service he has, whether or not utilities are paid etc. Multiples of five or six items of groceries, rotten food on the counter (such as eggs kept on the counter) in fridge etc. My sisters and I discussed with him the selling of his place and why. He was in agreement and now changes his mind daily, nor can he remember how the property is even held in title. Every day it’s a new conversation about most everything. He is furious regarding the decision to move him into an assisted living facility On a temporary basis in order to get him back on his feet and living closer to us. I am over two hours away. Swears he is fine, has promised to shoot me if I dare place him. Can’t keep him away from a large gun collection. Cant figure out what happened to keys to the gun room but is able to pick the lock! He is however clearly incapable of safely living alone now. He had a diagnosis last year but had shown signs such as multiple Christmas cards two years prior. I’m worn out. I’ve done everything I can to allow him independence and join him in decision making. He is at the point where there is no rationale with him. I can’t get past the guilt and nastiness he is inflicting. He would have never had made it this far alone without my continued assistance. What are my resources???
Sandysgingham says
12/26 at 8:13 pmHello, Oh my goodness. I’m really glad you stopped and chatted. This is a very rough time for you, I’m sure. I had some similar incidents with my Mom and it’s very difficult. You can contact an organization in his area that will help you to to make decisions about his condition.
The first thing I would do is to find a way to remove all weapons, especially any guns, from his house. It may take several family members to help you. But they certainly need to go. Someone with Alzheimer’s/dementia could do much harm and never understand what they have done. If he is still driving, the car will have to be removed as well. Items such as cars and guns for someone with dementia can mean serious injury to others.
As you said, you do need more knowledge about his illness. You don’t really know what you’re dealing with until you see a doctor and get a diagnosis. Another organization that will help you is “National adult Protective Services Association” (1-800.272.3900), They can be so hopeful in telling you which steps to take to help your loved one.
I hope your family sticks together and everyone help each other as much as possible. It’s a tough road, but once he is settled, it will be so much easier for everyone.
Take care of yourself too. You are doing all you can to help your dad.We will be anxious to hear of yur progress, so share when yu can. Let us know how you are doing. You’ll feel much better when he is settled in a safe place where you can visit him often, and have no more worries about him hurting himself.
I know it is frightening and you feel confused about what to do. I’ve been there with my own Mom. But there are organizations that are more than willing to help!
We are praying and thinking of you,
Sandy
Sandra Hexner says
08/10 at 10:01 amThank you for all this great information about choosing the right nursing home! I really like your point about feeling guilty is common, but I don’t need to feel guilty because they are much safer than being left home alone. My parents are getting a bit older and I want to be prepared if they need to go into a nursing home. Thanks for explaining how I don’t need to feel guilty for taking care of my parents.
Sandysgingham says
08/13 at 9:12 amYou’re sure welcome, Sandra. Yes, I know how you feel. I had that same guilt with my Mother. But now that it’s my turn and my daughter is watching after me, I can tell you– you’ll never know how grateful they are.
Take care,
Sandy
Anonymous says
01/23 at 9:23 amI’m an in home caregiver for my wife. She is now under Palliative care and not quite ready for Hospice. This journey has been the most challenging endeavor that I have ever engaged in. She is in her seventh year after being diagnosed but I noticed changes two years prior. I’m doing things I never dreamed I’d be doing,but she depends on me. I have been told by other caregivers that I should place her in a Nursing home so the professionals can care for her. What could they do for her that I’m not already doing? She cannot communicate effectively and this concerns me most. The ones that recommend this have parents iin or have been in Nursing homes. I’m here to tell you,it is a lot different for parents than it is for spouses. I left home when I was 17 and only lived with my parents that long. I’ve lived with my wife for 55 plus years and I believe in our wedding vows. For better or for worse,in sickness and in health and I intend to keep those vows until the inevitible and am prepared to accept that.
Sandysgingham says
01/24 at 1:53 pmAnonymous, I have tears in my eyes as I read this. I have to tell you, I’m in mid-stage Alzheimer’s myself and I have more respect for you than I can say. It is a work of love to care for any family member with an illness but not always an easy thing to do.
I’ve prepared my hubby that I will probably need a nursing home near the end. I was forced to move my own Mom to Group home in her final year with Alzheimer’s.
But as you say, a spouse is not the same as a parent. It broke my heart to watch my Mom and finally move her to a home. I can’t imagine the sorrow of caring for a spouse.
You are a kind, loving and generous husband to keep your wife at home. Our prayers are with you as you care for your lovely wife and we hope you spend every day with her as you are able.
Thank you for sharing with us,
Sandy
RachelKati says
05/01 at 1:46 amMy mom’s former doctor recommended she be placed in a facility. The hospital psychiatrist concurred. It will be 10 months on the 8th. I felt guilty for at least 8 of them.
I had to move her three times to find a place that she clicked with. Oddly it was not the fancy highly rated one. She was scared of something there for some reason. She’s in a two star place now. It’s divided into senior and developmentally disabled adults who I feel so bad for because most are my age (45) or slightly younger. I guess that’s what happens when their parents pass away but I digress.
While the seniors are two or three per room depending on the size of the room and they have a great view of the Hollywood hills. Mom has a window bed. The developmentally disabled are in rooms with 4 to 6 people, especially the males.
That is one of the things Medicare grades on so I understand why. However, I’m moms corner she knows and likes the nurses and vice versa. I miss the back yard in the first place she was in but I hated that place 4 stars or not. My mom hated the second place also 4 stars.
I visit every day because she is nearby. I have a schedule or do they think. I occasionally pop in at random hours to check. They know I don’t put up with BS. I check my mo for bed sores and diaper ready randomly – at least weekly. She’s clean. I finally stopped feeling guilty and I’m thankful she is safe. I know they call if something is up. I’m actually going to visit a friend in SF for a few days because I feel like I can leave her alone.
When she was home during the last days I spent my day at work worrying about her. Now I don’t. I just worry about how long she has and if she’s comfortable.
Sandysgingham says
05/02 at 6:57 amRachel,
I think you’ve made many good choices for your Mom. It is difficult. We always feel that we can do better than any other caregiver, but then it’s easy to neglect our own health and life.
You are keeping a close eye on your Mom’s condition and the home where she stays. That keeps you healthy to stay by her side. I think You’re doing a wonderful job and you’re an exceptional daughter.
Thank you for sharing your story of finding a good place for your Mom. I know it is difficult to do.
All our best to you and Mom,
~Sandy
Brian marriott says
11/12 at 4:31 amWife is in care home. She as dementia and unable to walk or talk a cannot feed herself how can I be sure she is being looked after
Sandysgingham says
11/12 at 8:23 amBrian, If it’s a good care home, they won’t mind how often you visit and check up on their care. My Mom was in a Group Home and they preferred folks visit between 9am-7pm, but they never said a word no matter when I visited.
That’s the only way you can tell. Drop in when you can and keep an eye on your wife’s behavior; is she getting worse, is she asleep all the time (could indicate over-dosing meds), is she clean. They may allow you to bring ensure, she may be able to drink with a straw.
Don’t be bashful about checking and assuring yourself that she is being well-cared for.
All our thoughts are with you,
~Sandy
mariamzinn@paths-afh.com says
09/11 at 9:20 amCaring for your loved one doesn’t always mean you’re doing transfers bed, bath and toileting for your loved one. You can also be a family caregiver who can offer companionship, spiritual support, mental stimulation, eating meals together. It Doesn’t always mean you’re doing transfers bed Bath. I think placement is often a gesture of love. .. it offers a way for families to be family again to reinstate a relationship that was lost as we were once the caregiver. Often against the individual’s wish. It gives a sense of self once again to be able to enjoy one another. Facilities are a tool not the whole answer but a good part of it
If you’re loved one broke thier arm you wouldn’t simply try to put duct tape on it and manage it at home. You love them and you would take them to this specialist. The best thing for them not you. The best thing for that individual often someone trained to get through the day promoting that person’s well-being as well as doing other tasks of assistance with daily activities, grooming, hygiene, feeding, bathing. Caregiver burnout is a very true thing and if you’re feeling tired so is that individual. If you are frustrated so is your loved one. This is a way to restore yourself and hope at when your with your loved one its a blessing not a task.
One other benifit is socialization even if it’s people watching. Yes boredom is a huge issue for people.
Sandy Spencer says
09/12 at 7:34 pmThank you for your reply, Mariam. You are so right about this. If we wear our self out doing all the caregiving, our loved one will know it and see the grief on our face. It is better to have help so that we stay rested and they stay refreshed.
A family member, friend, or Care worker is sometimes needed to help the struggling Caregiver.
~Sandy