Dementia Behind the Wheel
Dementia and driving a car do not go together!
I don’t mean to be “Preachy”
I feel like I’m on a soapbox when I talk about driving and Alzheimer’s.
But I know for sure I want to be heard!
In the last couple days, I’ve heard multiple family members profess their love for someone with dementia only to turn around and directly contradict themselves.
I think you know who I’m talking about. You may even recognize yourself. I certainly feel the stab of guilt when I hear such statements as this:
“I love my Mom…Grandma…Aunt…Uncle…Cousin…..” (whomever the person with Alzheimer’s / dementia may be) then they go on to say: “but I can’t possibly take their CAR away. They would hate me forever.”
WHAT???
That’s like saying I really love you so I’ll never mention the hole in the sidewalk
If you love someone, you try to keep them from harm. Keep them safe.
Driving a car (a 3,000 pound missile doing 70 miles an hour down a busy highway) is harmful. Not only harmful but downright dangerous 
What if it’s your grandchild in the crosswalk when someone with dementia approaches?
And oh yea, as this little old lady with dementia rolls nearer to your grandchild, she’s struggling anxiously to recall just which pedal makes this hunk of metal STOP!
Yikes!
A few weeks ago a senior citizen in a “snow-bird” state, who should have had his license removed 5 years earlier made that same error.
He couldn’t remember which pedal made the car stop and instead of stopping in front of the convenience store, so he could walk inside, he pushed the gas pedal and ran right through the plate glass window, killing a female customer waiting to pay for a Slurpee.
As his family excused themselves for allowing him to drive, they said, “We know he has dementia but he’s a good driver. He’s never done anything like that before!”
Hmmm. Isn’t there a first time for everything?
Don’t let your first time be after it’s too late! If you have dementia, STOP driving. If you have a loved one who has dementia, TAKE THEIR CAR AWAY! They will continue to love you and eventually forget about the car–and you might save someone’s life.
Thanks for your article , it is such an emotional and hard time for everyone involved.
My grandma has had her license legally taken away due to dementia (still early days) plus she is a terribly unsafe driver anyway. It seems she forgets that she can’t legally drive, then we tell her and she gets upset and then forgets that’s and back to square one. It seems we have been talking in circles with her for months!
She even rang to say she is ready to give up the car one day, but now doesn’t remember ever saying that! She is very very emotional today as she knows the car is going whether she likes it or not , but it’s for her own safety and the safety of others. It could also mean her having to lose her house to pay for any damages she may cause seeing as she is not insured anymore.
Grandma is stubborn, fiercely independent, and notoriously naughty by nature , but plus the dementia – we can’t tell if she’s telling fibs to get her way (as she does!) or if she can’t remember previous discussions about it or both!
A very hard situation, but I suppose it’s for the best and once the cars gone, it’s gone, so at least the family don’t have to worry so much. She will come around and forgive one day!
I think taking my Mom’s car away was the hardest thing we ever did. Since I’m early stage Alzheimer’s, my hubby took the car a couple years ago. I did feel bad about but was happy that he did all the grocery shopping. Now, I’m really glad. I’m loosing many more small tasks and tools and that is enough to make me cry. Don’t think I could handle giving away a car.
Bless your heart, it’s a tough thing to do.
Sandy
The title of the article does not help with negative connotation and stigmatisation of people living with dementia. It would be helpful to rephrase the title so it does not look like a person living dementia driving a car can be reduced or described as “dementia behind the wheel”. This title has bugged me for me days. I’m not trying to hide the difficulties people living with dementia go through however, we must be careful that the words we use do not add further barriers and disempowerment.
Francis
I have dementia and my dauther took my car away. Some days I know it is a good thing but other days I feel like she took it away to be mean. I don’t know that I forgot things until some one tells me.
I feel like no one tells me what is happening.
Zona, I sure understand how you feel. When my Mom lived with me, I thought I understood how she felt in each stage of Alzheimer’s. But, right now, I know that my understanding was definitely shallow at best.
Recently, I’be begun having the early signs of Alzheimer’s myself. So yea, I do understand. I gave up driving voluntarily a couple years ago and still hate that I’m not able to drive. (Seems like no one wants to go, when I want to go. And they never want to go the same place I want to go.) I have to bite my tongue to deal with my caregivers.
I’m sure you’ve thought the same thing. I know they are doing what’s best, but it isn’t always easy to remember that. Our caregivers are doing the best they can and we are too, but there are some difficult times.
Zona, I’ve tried to take up some new hobbies that I can do at home. Like Adult Coloring, and gardening now that the weather is warm. You might also enjoy some of the Alzheimer’s Groups on Facebook. I belong to 3/4 and they always make me feel better, especially when someone else tells me how they cope or solve a problem.
A few of those Groups are: Memory People, Vascular Dementia, and several others. You may also have folks in your neighborhood who meet periodically. Be sure to check with your neighbors or have your Caregiver look into it.
Thanks for dropping in, Zona
It’s wonderful to meet you
Sandy
Oh my goodness I can identify with this! The massive relief when mum stopped driving! It was hard because to start with her diagnosis was Mild Cognitive Impairment and you are allowed to keep driving with MCI so we didn’t have a medical reason to stop her – just a nagging feeling that we were waiting for something hideous to happen. Thankfully it didn’t – we just told her that the insurance company wouldn’t insure her any more and she never mentioned driving again. It was so much easier than we’d thought.
You are so fortunate. Taking Mom’s car away was the absolute worse thing we ever had to do while caregiving for her. It took months and months and you’ll see my note on your other comment. I was so relieved when she stopped crying for that car. (We didn’t let her drive, but she wanted that car. And if the car was around, she wanted to drive.)
Thank you for sharing,
Sandy
I can identify so much with the comments above. My (82-year-old) dad has been diagnosed with mixed dementia (vascular/Alzheimer’s) – although the diagnosis is now being questioned as he (thankfully) isn’t showing the pattern of decline which would normally be expected; he also has some mobility problems related to osteoarthritis and weight. He lives on his own and has relied on his car to be able to get out and about for several years. Last year his GP asked me to take dad to the surgery to discuss his driving. (I’m afraid I can’t say that dad was ever a ‘good’ driver!) Dad refused to accept that it might be time to give up his car. Eventually he agreed to having a voluntary assessment at the Driving Assessment Service (UK). The DAS recommendation was that he should stop driving – due more to his physical response times than cognitive issues. As he’d undertaken the assessment voluntarily, the DAS didn’t write directly to the DVLA (licensing authority), but sent a letter to dad which he was supposed to pass on to the DVLA and his GP. I took responsibility for doing that, and told dad what I was going to do – he wasn’t happy about it, but listening to the well-rehearsed, vocal and vehement rant was a price to pay for trying to make sure he was no longer a danger to himself or others. The DVLA eventually wrote back and asked him to return his licence (I don’t think in the UK we have the option of retaining it for identification purposes, but it would be useful). The DVLA also advised him on his right to appeal. So we now have a regular and frequent request to help him appeal against the decision because he’s “been driving for over 60 years and has never had an accident or points on his licence”. Having failed to convince him that we should concentrate on identifying other ways for him to get out and about rather than appealing, I’m in the process of trying to find someone (probably at the local Citizen’s Advice Bureau) who can explain to my dad the process we’d have to go through (Magistrate’s Courts) and the unlikelihood of his licence being returned, plus the expense involved. Dad thinks that the fact he only wants to do short journeys (mainly to a local beauty spot about three miles from his home) should in some way count in his favour. Both my brother and I have explained that an accident can happen on the shortest of journeys. In the meantime, I have dad’s car on my drive and the keys are at my brother’s house! He refuses to let us get rid of it. And the “need” to appeal is one of the things he doesn’t forget!
Diane, I’m with you! I believe you have done the right thing. Our parents have driven for so many years, it’s very difficult for them to give it up.
Once you find some other transportation for him, maybe he will forget about appealing the verdict.
It may even become more convenient for someone else to do the driving once he gets use to the idea.
I do believe you’re right, though. When we start thinking “they may not be able to drive any longer,”
we are almost always right!
Best wishes for your dad and family and I hope you find adequate transport for him as well.
~Sandy
Incredible. Everything you have said is exactly what our family have been through.
I wanted Dad to give up driving years ago. Thankfully (kind of) dad hasn’t been able to drive due to illness.
He’s had his assessment, failed, wants to appeal, writing to the GP for permission to appeal. All the things you have said. I said to Mum, what you choose to do to yourselves is one thing but to think about what might happen to other people…
He won’t consider a scooter, says he wants to be more mobile himself…can’t walk the length of himself..
I dont like this bit of adulthood where the parents become the children.
Best wishes to your family
Kirsty,
Thank you for writing and letting me know about your family. I know, it’s almost wonderful sometimes to learn that it’s all normal. Others are doing the same thing. I remember what a relief it was to learn that others did the same thing as my Mom.
We aren’t happy for the situation they are in, but it’s good to know that we aren’t alone. Sharing thoughts with others makes it easier for everyone.
Glad you found us,
~Sandy
Sandy, this is a huge issue that is SO important. When my late mother (with an early vascular dementia diagnosis) was still living in her own home as well as driving, it occurred to me during one of my annual cross-country visits to see her that none of her five grown children had actually been in the car with her to observe her driving ability for many years.
That’s because whenever one of us was visiting, she’d toss us her car keys and say: “Honey, why don’t you drive my car today so I can just relax and enjoy the scenery?” But as she became more and more confused, I raised the question with my sibs about Mom’s driving. None (especially my brother who lived the farthest away on another continent) seemed as concerned as I was, because she was a “good driver” (as our mother liked to remind us, she had never had a car accident in all her years of driving – and also because they were all so reluctant to upset Mom.
But because I’d become so alarmed by her increasing confusion during my visits, I really wanted to check out how she was behind the wheel. She could barely function around the house – how on earth was she able to make split-second decisions while driving on busy city streets? So during one visit, I tossed the car keys back to her and said: “No Mom, YOU drive today!”
I was utterly horrified by what I witnessed during the next few minutes!! She sailed happily through at least two red lights – at one of which, she narrowly missed clipping a pedestrian who had already started across the marked crosswalk. Within the first minute of driving, she came to a dead stop in the middle of 4 lanes of traffic because she suddenly was so disoriented that she could not remember either where she was going or how to get there – and then she yelled out loud at all the other cars honking at her that had had to come to a screeching stop behind her.
Then she let the car drift over the yellow line a number of times towards oncoming traffic so I had to remind her to “Stay in your lane!” – and at one point I had to even physically yank the steering wheel away from traffic to prevent a head-on collision. When we finally pulled over safely, I was a wreck, and Mom seemed completely oblivious to what had just happened on the road.
Why had nobody in our family stopped her from endangering the public like this until now? After I’d recovered the car keys from her that morning, I knew what I had to tell my sibs: that Mom was a menace to public safety, and that this was no longer even a topic up for discussion. It was a complete miracle she had not already killed somebody while out driving on her own.
Was she angry over the resulting decision to take her car keys away? YES! Did I care about how angry she was? NO! Some family decisions, as you wisely point out, are ones that must be made to protect our loved ones from harm – whether they’re furious toddlers screaming at us because they don’t want to get strapped into their car seat, or a person with dementia who no longer has the cognitive or physical ability to be trusted operating this “3,000 pound missile”. In both cases, they can get as mad as they want to, but our reluctance to make them upset should never trump safety.
regards,
C.
Carolyn, You are so right! I think that happens a lot. Most often we don’t live with the person who has dementia. We come to visit Mom and then we do all the driving.
Almost everyday, some where in the US we hear of someone being run over by a person with dementia who could not differentiate the gas pedal from the brake. It is so sad.
I’ve written several articles about this very subject and will keep writing them.
Remember, until you ride with the person who has dementia, do you really know how well they are navigating that car.
Thank you for writing,
~Sandy
Good for you! as soon as my mom confused hot and cold water, I immediately thought of gas and brake pedals. I begged my stepfather not to let her drive. so far so good.
Great! I’m glad your stepfather agrees. Every time I hear of an elderly person having an accident, it is almost always followed with the knowledge that they also have dementia.
It’s so difficult to play the parental role and take the car away from a parent. The hardest thing I ever did, I believe.
Glad you could do it! You may save her life.
Thanks for sharing,
Sandy
My mom did not have dementia but one time mix up the brake and gas peddle. Shorty after that she stopped driving. Good article. I agree it very difficult for a adult child to do.
It sure is, Mary. My dad didn’t have dementia either, but he had to stop driving. He would just get confused about directions. Other than that he was fine, but he could no longer drive.
My Mom was a different story. She did have dementia and we couldn’t allow her to drive at all.
Yep, tough work being a caregiver for our parents.
All the best for you and your Mom,
~Sandy
When my wife asked which faucet was the cold water, I made the decision to stop her driving.
Smart Move, Gerry. Thanks for sharing!
Sandy
This post really hit home. I’m in that situation with my mom. I have driven behind her more than once and I have driven with her more than once lately, and she really is a good driver (I know you’re cringing right now).
Having said all of that, there’s a first time for everything and do you wait for something bad to happen? =/
I am just struggling with when is the right time? How far into dementia do they have to be? She was diagnosed a year ago with a cognitive impairment. The two areas she scored low on was learning new things and memory. She lives on her own and takes care of herself but needs my help with going to the Dr, managing any kind of paperwork, although she pays her own bills (she only pays 2 on her own). They said at the time that they could not give her the diagnosis of dementia because it wasn’t to that point yet. She has 2 older sisters with Dementia. One of her sisters drove until her daughter got a call from the police because she was driving the wrong way on the freeway. Thankfully no one was hurt. My aunt gave up her keys because it scared her so bad.
My mom is so stubborn and independent. She has done 2 things on the list of about 12 things the Dr recommends for her. She doesn’t want anyone to know she’s old. She 78 but she looks like she’s in her 60’s and that’s how people treat her.
I’m just struggling with when is the right time???
Jane, I felt so sad to read your comment because it reminded me so much of myself. I couldn’t do it, either. My mom lived alone and seemed fine when I visited, other than a little forgetting. I paid her bills and she went about her regular business, driving to the grocery store and beauty parlor only a couple blocks away.
Then one day I happened to go shopping with Mom on grocery day. The lady in Safeway took me aside and said Mom ran in and out of their store constantly every day, often buying the same thing over and over again. Several times the manager had to take her home because she couldn’t remember where she’d parked her car. A nice gentlemen in the complex where she lived would return her to the supermarket the next day to pick up her car.
I have no idea how many other times he’s re-traced her car and taken her to pick it up.
I called my brother that afternoon. He arrived within the hour and took her car away. It was sad, and Mom was furious. But we were relieved and it was only a few months before she came to live with me all the time because she couldn’t remember how to heat her home. She was lighting the oven, and leaving the oven door open around the clock.
I do understand. Unless you live with them, you don’t really understand how advanced the dementia is and very few give up their car or driving willingly.
Keep an eye on it. Too many people with dementia get lost or have auto accidents because their children couldn’t take the car away.
All the best for you and your Mom.
I can tell you’re a loving and concerned daughter and I know you’ll do what’s best for her.
~Sandy
Is it true that Doctors are supposed to report dementia cases to the DMV.?
You know, I’m not certain if it is a requirement by DMV or any state law, but I believe it would certainly be a good idea. I have heard of instances where that has occurred.
Taking the car or drivers license away is so difficult that many family members would prefer their doctor make the recommendation instead of them. If that’s the case, I certainly don’t see anything wrong with making the suggestion to the family doctor.
Few of those with later stage dementia who are still driving will voluntarily give it up. Too often we don’t take the car keys away early enough, most who are mid-stage will still accept when they should no longer be driving.
And that’s a shame because few days pass that there isn’t a person lost, driving their car with dementia; or in an accident because someone with dementia was still driving. I know it’s sad and seems cruel to take the car keys or family car but we may be saving their life (or someone else’s) if we stop them from driving sooner rather than later.
I always say, “Would you want your young child in the cross walk when someone with dementia confuses the brake with the gas pedal?” And, it does happen–
~Sandy
K
I can only relay my experiences. We all have to figure out what to do as each situation arises. I can share with you how absolutely heartbroken I was the first time my Dad told me “You can leave!” I had asked him what I could do to help him. He was very angry that I wouldn’t get his clothes for him so that he could leave the hospital. He needed to get evaluated and get care that would keep him safe but of course he couldn’t understand that; he could only get very angry. Without a doubt it is my most awful memory of my life with my Dad. It was a horrific moment in the journey.
I knew often times Dad didn’t know me, but somewhere in my heart of hearts I knew he recognized that he should know me. For him to tell me the only thing I could do to help him was to leave was devastating. As his guardian, along with Mom, I had to do what I had to do to keep Dad safe and protect him from himself. What got me through was knowing that at some point he would forget what I had done and the moment he told me to leave. I’m a Christian and one of the things I appreciate about being a Christian is knowing, “This too shall pass”.
My prayers go out for you as you struggle with the decisions you have to make on your Mother’s behalf. God Bless, Lj
What do you do if you live with and are the sole caregiver of someone with the onset of frontal lobe dementia who has essentially said to you that you’ll take her rights away from her when she’s dead— By saying that she was referring to “d r I v I n g”.
She is in early stage dementia…..and I witness her short term memory on a daily basis in regards to her repeating; “what did I eat for breakfast?” and “what is today’s day/date?” and “did I take my medicine?”.
I always point out to her that if she drives she’ll lose having her home health care nurse. She’s very fond of him—but then again wonders why he is still paying weekly visits (still some health issues occurring….). I have discussed…..errr….tried to discuss it with her a bit saying to her…..”you have told me how your pain and the meds you have taken (are still taking…) affects your memory (and yes, I realize that is an example of denial…..) and I would hate it if you were to be out and got turned around.”
She is at times accepting of that, but at other times incredulous. She is more active after going through an extended period of being bedridden, and prior to that having bruised her coccyx. It was during her 2 week stint at a local rehab facility that a neuropsychologist was sent in to talk with her and test her for the diagnosis of frontal lobe dementia. d
Sandy, as usual, you’re right! Having been down that road I know exactly what you’re saying. I also know exactly how the family members of someone who should no longer be driving feel and how difficult it is to take them off the road, especially when all the family members are not on the same page. That was our case, some knew Dad was a very good driver, that’s what he previously did for a living and he was good at it with no accidents or violations EVER. And as long as someone was with him to navigate so he didn’t get lost, what was the problem. Some people suggested we talk to Dad’s doctor and get him to file a report with the state. The doctor was just as bad as some of the family members.
We were blessed that no one was ever hurt or killed as Dad never had an accident or got so lost that we couldn’t find him. But one day the place he ended up didn’t know him. They could tell he was confused so they call the State Patrol who helped contact Mom and get Dad home safe and sound. The other thing they did was file a report with the state who sent a letter notifying Dad he needed to take a driving and written test in order to keep his driving privileges. He went for the test. He couldn’t pass the written test so he never got to take the driving test. The state cancelled his privileges but he got to keep his license for ID purposes. He was happy to have his license in his possession and accepted that Mom had to do the driving from now on. So, just a suggestion, if the family can’t agree, and you can’t bring yourself to have the conversation and you can’t handle the pressure of being “disliked” call your state patrol office and put a bug in their ear about an elderly person that might be a hazard on the road. I trust they’ll take care of it….Might not hurt to say a prayer or two while you wait though as it doesn’t happen overnight. Lj
Hello Lynda!
Sorry for the delay in responding, we’ve been away all day with family issues.
I think you’re right! If all else fails that is the best thing to do. Contact DMV (department of motor vehicles) in your area. I think they will send notices that a persons license has been revoked with a note from their physician.
I’ve told this one before on the blog but…
When I was trying to gain the nerve to take Mom’s car away, I told her that the DMV had taken her license because she’d forgotten too many road signs. With out missing a beat, Mom told me– “Well, I’m good friends with the President of the DMV and he said I’ve driven for so many years without an accident that I can drive as much as I want and never need a license again.” And…this was with a straight face and haughty attitude.
They can sure make our job difficult sometimes 🙂
~Sandy