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How to Convince a Loved One to Shower

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How to Convince a Loved One to Shower when they have Alzheimer’s

I was really baffled when Mom began to wear the same clothes day after day whether they were clean or not.

Occasionally, I’d find her bundled-up in a winter coat when it was 90 degrees. Once I arrived at her house for a short trip to the grocery store and quick lunch at a fast-food restaurant. Mom waited in full make-up, long evening gown and dangling earrings.

After Mom’s Alzheimers diagnosis, I did little reading about the disease. I had yet to learn the myriad of odd behaviors that would come. I wasn’t quite sure what a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s meant at all. It was several months before I began to equate her new eccentricities to a decline in cognitive thinking.

==>>I didn’t understand why she lost the ability to dress properly, or any interest in cleanliness until much later.<<==

In the beginning Hygiene became a war between us–me trying to convince Mom to change clothes or shower by sheer force.  If asked about it, Mom would shrug and walk away. She was totally unconcerned about my frantic attempts to keep her clean. Totally confused, I thought to myself– I was struggling to teach the very person who had taught me all I knew about living and learning and cleanliness.

Eventually,  in the middle stages of Alzheimers, Mom refused to shower at all. Our daily battles over the shower and hygiene became so stressful it still hurts to remember the angry words we spat at each other.

Now, if I had it to do over, I don’t think I’d care if she ever showered again. It was many months before I learned that demanding and arguing only encourages the Alzheimer’s patient to become more obstinate and aggressive. Always “pick your battles” and remember, in light of the eventuality of  Alzheimer’s, almost anything is tolerable.

I still don’t know exactly why others with Alzheimer’s are so afraid of taking a shower. I haven’t had a great fear yet, just cautious. Since I’m in early stage, myself, I have burned myself a couple times during the confusion with hot/cold water. I did learn to have it set before I step under the water flow. And perhaps the knowledge of the fear and caution will eventually cease.

Working on “fear of the water temperature” theory, I found a solution that worked for Mom and I. I turned on the water in the shower,  adjusted the temperature, and let it run as I left the room and sat quietly in the living room. It was never long before Mom was searching for me. “You left water running in the bathroom,” she would tell me, “it will flood the floor.”

“Don’t you remember, Mom,” I would say. “You told me to adjust the water because you wanted to take a shower. That’s what I did.”

Mom would only hesitate for a moment, search for a reply and then say, “Oh…I forgot… Okay, I’ll take my shower now.” And  she was off to the bathroom and a shower as though it had been her idea all along.

  • The person with Alzheimer’s becomes expert at denying and covering for their memory lapses in the earliest stages of this disease.
  • They know how to make you feel crazy by denying their forgetting or pretending they remember while you know full-well they do not.

I must admit, I did marvel at how simple the resolution had been for the shower issue and wished I’d thought of it months earlier. It worked for a few months and that’s all I could ask.

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Comments

  1. Hello Sandy,
    I think there are many different reasons why people with dementia don’t want to shower/bathe and there are some great solutions here. My mum didn’t seem to be afraid of water, it was more the indignity of being unclothed in front of someone (even though that someone was her daughter). We also had a very controllable shower – it was in fact a bidet shower. Our answer in the end was to make a simple garment she could leave on in the shower and we were all a lot more comfortable with this.
    I hope it’s ok to share the link to my blog as it may help others – The Limonattire

    Reply

    • Barbara, You are so right. There can be many reason for some things those with dementia might do. A nice blog you have with some very helpful clothes wear for those with Alzheimer’s dementia.

      Thanks for sharing,
      Sandy

  2. I have created visual choice boards specifically designed for caregiving with people who have cognitive- communication difficulties. I have one with images of bathing choices. Hope this will be helpful.

    Reply

  3. I was helping care for my mom who had Alzheimer’s. She fought us on taking a shower every time we suggested it. She loved new clothes with pretty pinks, lilac etc. One day I shopped for new clothes for her. I needed her to try them on in case they needed to be returned, so I told her she “should” shower before trying them on. She trotted right in the bathroom with no issues after lighting up like a Christmas tree and saying “Those are for me?” After that, since we could not buy new clothes every time a shower was needed, we just got out one of her outfits we knew she liked very much and pretend it was new. I call it a “sanctified lie” (sorry!) Most of the time it worked, as she did not remember her clothes. I even told the young lady that would come to help with bathing at times. She tried it and was happily surprised it worked. We tried not to give her the handheld shower wand as the little “stinker” would laugh and spray us!! Loved her!!!

    Reply

    • Oh my gosh! Ann, I love it! What a great idea. I wish I had thought of that.

      You’ve put a smile on my face for the rest of the day! You GO! girl. Give your Mom a kiss from all of us 🙂

      Sandy

  4. A number of people have commented on the fear of water and not wanting to get wet. We have worried if it was a temperature issue and our loved one was burned or too cold, or if there is a new skin sensitivity. I wonder if it is a biological safety mechanism related to not the temperature of the water, but regulating body temp. Just as someone can have a new visceral reaction to spiders or snakes (is it a biological caution?), I’m guessing there’s a mechanism that says “being wet is dangerous!” In that case, reasoning is about as effective as asking someone afraid of spiders to enter a room of them. They’d surely yell, fight or more in response.

    In this case, reassurance about water temp, the pampering idea, reminders of that they asked for the shower, may all help distract from the fear, and congrats when it works. I try to remind myself of the stories my own grandmother told of being sewn into her full body long underwear in the fall and not allowed out of it until spring. Made me realize showers are over rated.
    We have a basket of washclothes near the kitchen sink so she can wash hands and face with them before meals. We used dry shampoo until she allowed the wet in chair with many towels, and then sink shampooing. She is finally allowing showers about once a week, with the water pre adjusted, reminders that its “shower day” etc.. If it doesn’t work, we get her clean as best we can, without stressing it.

    Reply

    • Kathryn, you’ve shared some wonderful information and ideas.

      You’ve certainly shared some important information today.
      Thank you so much for sharing,
      Sandy

  5. I really related to this story. For a long time my mom kept her routine waking up early taking her shower. It was quite awhile before I realized she wasn’t showering. Getting her dressed to go out was a nightmare. There were so many strange behaviors I wasn’t prepared for and like you I wouldn’t care about these things just to have her here.

    Reply

    • You are so right, Teri. It can be so confusing until you understand Alzheimer’s. Then the time spins by too quickly.

      Thank you for sharing,
      Sandy

  6. I was a full-time caregiver for my grandmother for almost 4 years and in the beginning, keeping clean was a tough go. She would get up in the morning and promptly put on clothes, usually the ones that she had worn the previous day. Once she was dressed, there was absolutely no way to get her undressed for a shower. As with others, she would claim that she’d taken her shower already and fight taking that shower. Because the sense of smell diminishes with age and particularly with dementia/Alzheimer’s disease, she couldn’t tell that she had body odor and she stopped caring about whether her clothes were clean or not. For a while, it was a lot of fighting and then frankly because I inherited my stubbornness from her, I decided to get creative.

    First, I made sure that I removed her worn clothing each night after she fell asleep. Then, so she would see it first thing when she woke up, I would leave out her fluffy bathrobe and a big note. The note would say, “Good morning and welcome to Grammie’s Pampering Day! Please put your robe on and Michelle will be down shortly to begin your day!” I slept with a baby monitor so that I would know when she was awake and as soon as I heard her, I would get up and go downstairs. There were some days that were harder to start than others, to which I just postponed Grammie pampering to the next day. But most days, I could hear her giggle as she read the note, almost always out loud. She enjoyed the notion of pampering, of feeling special, even if all it was was just a shower, and pretty much all fighting about bathing went away.

    Hope this helps someone else!

    Reply

    • Michelle I love this story! I think you’re the most creative bath-giver that I’ve heard. Smart Grammie too, who would postpone some pampering!

      Thank you so much for sharing. You have helped many. I only wish I’d thought of that while caring for my Mom. And– I’m making certain to show this to my daughter who is now my caregiver.

      Thank you so much, Michelle!
      Sandy

  7. My mom showered daily and believes she still does.She was independent and I don’t know how to persuade her.She has diabetes,a pacemaker and has lost vision of one eye.My father is sole caregiver and cannot give her the care she needs.Like many others,I feel useless.

    Reply

    • Jim, Don’t feel alone. Most of us with Alzheimer’s family members are new to this disease and learning to cope. When my Mom was diagnosed I didn’t have a clue how to take care of her.
      I don’t know what stage your mother is in, but I’ve known several that were fairly early stage yet the spouse was older and unable to care for them. In that case, there are a couple options; You might have help come in for a couple hours a day, or have your Mom stay in an adult daycare during the day. I’ve known several with family members in an advanced stage who really enjoyed being in a center with other folks.

      My mom had been a dietitian all her life. So at daycare, she stood on guard near the kitchen, and played supervisor over the kitchen staff. Showering is the top complaint for most caregivers. It takes much coaxing to get someone with Alzheimer’s to go near the water and I’m not sure why. My trick was to turn the water on and set the temperature just right, then hand my Mom a towel and say, “Mom, I started the shower for you as you asked.”
      She would look puzzled, then accept the towel and take a shower. As long as it was HER idea.
      Don’t forget all the extra precautions such as hand rails, non-slip rugs, and maybe a comfy shower chair.

      Glad you could join us Jim,
      Sandy

  8. I am in the first stages of Alz. One of the first changes in me was not wanting to bathe or shower. I simply cannot stand the feeling of being wet. (Used to swim every chance I got).

    My caregiver is meticulous and showers every single morning. I was a bath at bedtime girl.

    I drive her nuts, but she encourages and if I’m really needing to stay dry, she lets me.

    Reply

    • Melissa,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I honestly believe there are many reasons that same run from the shower and others don’t. My mom was just horrified by the water. And she wouldn’t recognize her clothes. So it was a horrible fight with her because she knew her dirty clothes would be taken away and she never recognized the new, clean clothes. It’s really amazing how many thoughts may be behind the showering fear. I’ve heard many different ones from my readers.

      Thank you for sharing, Melissa. I’m delighted to learn that your caregiver is a good one! A good caregiver is everything for those of us with Alzheimer’s.

      Sandy

  9. I do the same with my husband of 42 years. I say let’s both take showers and make love! That’s after he rubs my back in the morning in bed. He loves to do that and to me it feels so good. Quite often I am sleeping through it because it is so soft and loving. Then, often after the shower he has forgotten all about making love and is angry, telling me I have taken his money and am cheating on him. Does anyone else have that going on? I then give him flower essences and usually in half hour he is apologizing or at least has forgotten and moved on. He can be so tender, loving, and so expressive for hours, and then can’t stand me and talks of leaving me.

    Elaine

    Reply

    • Oh Elaine. You made me laugh and cry at the same time. That is so sweet that he can be so tender yet just as sad when he forgets who and where he is. You are certainly a loving person to accept his kindness when it’s there.

      I know it can be so difficult and you are making the very best of a most difficult timee. Your hubby surely has such a sweet and tender and loving wife.

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us Elaine. Seems to be you are doing everything right!
      ~Sandy

  10. Several of the women at the Alzheimer’s home I worked at would complain the water “hurt”. We did a lot of sponge baths, although we would have to do showers also. I think the sensitivity of the skin made the water coming from the shower head feel like needles. Baths seemed to be fine.

    Reply

    • Hello Deb,
      You know, you might be right. My mom would say that also and I thought she had turned the “hot” water up too high at some time. But, you might be right. Because it’s clear, they may expect it to feel like nothing and are surprised when it hits their skin. I can understand their skin being more sensitive for sure.

      Sandy

  11. Also too with different era’s say in my pops generation they didn’t shower all the time. Grandma had an aluminium wash basin and sponge as limited water living wuth tanks.There wasn’t an endless supply of water coming out the tap. People didn’t have running showers like we do now and my dad often talks about sharing the bath water with 4 other siblings. I worked with dementia for a few years and found alot is to do with knowing each individual and their life story really goes along way with how to make them feel safe and comfortable. It could even be the stranger in the mirror in the bathroom (some don’t recognise themselves)

    Reply

    • Tracey, That is so true. I remember trying to force my Mom to shower every day and it was exhausting. Finally, I read in a book for caregivers that twice a week was perfectly fine. What a relief. If you think about it, that was probably what my Mom was comfortable with as a little girl. They lived on a farm with a water well. You’re right, no running water back then.

      That’s true. my Mom told me the old lady in that mirror had been following her for days. Yet, it was her own reflection.

      A little forethought can solve many issues for the fatigued caregiver. Thank you for recollecting those times, Tracey.

      Sandy

  12. I went to a medical meeting given by our local memory clinic (I’m a GP with a mum who has young onset Alzheimer’s so had a professional and personal interest) and was really interested to learn that often a fear of bathing comes from loss of comprehension skills. For example; a caregiver in a nursing home may tell a resident repeatedly that they are “going to have a bath” or that it is “bathtime” but that may mean nothing to someone who know longer understands what the word “bath” means. The resident may then be taken to a room where water is running and have no idea why they are there – which could potentially be pretty distressing. The consultant giving the talk suggested visual cues such as a photograph of a bath to be shown periodically leading up to bathtime. Might help?

    Reply

    • That sounds like an excellent idea! I hadn’t thought to do that. With my Mom, I could get the towel and her nightgown and sometimes she knew what was coming.

      Your photo idea reminded me. My Mom cried for her car for months. She just about drove me crazy about that darn car. Then one day I noticed she had a picture of her car propped on her dresser. (She loved that car.) Well, I moved the photo. Mom never missed it or asked about the photo or her car again. I think that photo kept it current in her memory.

      I wish I had thought of a “bath photo.” We sure get some good ideas when we share.

      Thank you for visiting and sharing!
      Sandy

    • I suffer from early onset and I find the most difficult part in showering is remembering the order of cleaning. Sometimes have to repeat stuff because I can’t remember if it was shampoo or conditioner. Music is helpful. I know beginning of song is shampoo and end is conditioner. The other issue is remembering that baths are needed.

    • Sharee, Thank you so much for your comment. I’m early Alzheimer’s myself, mostly because I have COPD and need to wear Oxygen. So I know how irritating it is to forget the small things. I especially get upset when my husband tells me something and I’ve forgotten what it was as soon as I turn my head.

      I love your solution for the shampoo or conditioner issue. First part of song shampoo, second half of song conditioner. What a great idea! So far I’m using a shampoo/condition combination. But if I have that problem, I will not just what to do.

      It’s wonderful having friends and meeting others with the same issue. Very helpful when we get such wonderful suggestions.

      Like you Sharee, I love the music too. And Ipod’s make it so easy to have music with you all the time!

      All the best for you Sharee,
      Sandy

  13. My mother-in-law (who had Dementia and Alzheimer) refuse to bathe. it is a battle every day! I don’t give up. I bathe her every day.

    Reply

    • Hello Katy,
      I certainly understand your issue. My Mom was terrified of the shower. Finally, I was able to start the water running and tell her that she asked me to set the water and she would go ahead and shower. But, it is an issue for many many folks with dementia. You are not alone, for sure.

      I think they fear the water, and they have forgotten so much that they are really timid about almost everything. A nurse from Mom’s Group Home told me that if they got a bath or shower 3 times a week, they were happy. It’s just too difficult to force them more often than necessary.

      Mom would sit and let me sponge bathe her without much argument. I’m going to post this question on our Facebook page as well, and see if we can get a few more ideas.

      You’re doing good Katy, bathing her every day!
      Caregivers are the “best!”

      ~Sandy

  15. I was caring for a gentleman that refused a shower and take a bath. His skin was so dry which must have had sores in the past that had healed. He could hardly walk.

    Finally, every single day I would try to get him in the bathroom, sitting on chair. Oh my, it was a battle every day until one day I sat down with him and asked him to tell me why he didn t want to take a shower or bath. He said that when he was younger he had split the top of his head and he was not supposed to get his head wet until the stitches were removed and all healed up. He was always saying his head hurt.

    There was no sore on his head, so I decided to asked the family if such a thing happened to this gentleman. And yes! it had happened. So the next day I spoke to him again and got him to touch the top of his head, to feel that the sore was healed.

    I did asked him to show me where it was and took the mirror to show him there was no longer a sore or anything. I explain that it was all healed up and now he could take a bath. But he still refused a bath or shower so I brought him into the kitchen and used a basin of water. I encouraged him to wash his face and hands and finally had a plan that was working.

    I would call his name as soon as he woke up and have him decide what he wanted for breakfast. I would say that after breakfast we had to do the refreshing thing for his skin to feel better and more comfortable and to wash his hair. I would take facecloth put shampoo on and he would wash that way.

    It worked for a month until he went to the nursing home. Then all heck broke loose and it was a disaster all over again. He was afraid of drowning because in his childhood he had almost drown. He remembered how it felt not being able to breath.

    Sometimes getting the love and trust of someone with Alzeimers, to help and make decision together, encourages them. Every case is different though. What works for some doesn’t work for others. Sometimes using a calender to show the days to bathe or shower seems to work. Some seniors at that age are used to sponge bathing already.

    I’ve learned we have to find the way that works best for our patient. After we find the reason why they don’t want to shower, we can usually help them. Many times they are just afraid of the water.

    Reply

    • Geralda,
      Thank you for your wonderful comment. You’ve hit many of the main points to get a loved one with Alzheimer’s to shower and also understand the fear they may have of doing so.

      Thank you for the insight and care you have for the patients you tend to,
      ~Sandy

  16. My step dad was always a clean man. Washed his hands after touching most anything. He was diagnosed with dimentia a few months ago but I know it had been prevalent for a few years. Unfortunately his youngest daughter was in charge of his care. His oldest daughter and I took over when we saw issues with his money and she left him 1,000 miles away without any care planned for him. When I arrived to pick him up he had not showered in months. It was obvious due to the lack if dirty clothes in his house. I convinces him to shower and he took over an hour. Since then it has been a negotiation process. I moved him back with us and it is a process. He loves to eat out so typically I tell him if you want to go out to lunch or dinner you have to take a shower. He too tells me I just took one. He says how do you know I didn’t take one. I tell him I do his laundry and in know by the lack of dirty clothes he has not taken one. He usually gives in by that point. But I like a few if the ideas here. I know at some point I am going to need a new plan. Thanks sis for sending me this link!!!

    Reply

    • Darlene,
      Oh my goodness–what a wonderful daughter you are. I’m relieved the two of you came to his rescue. It is so sad when family members neglect those who can’t care for themselves.

      You’re probably right; his symptoms began many years ago. When I brought my Mom to live with me, I was shocked by some of her behavior and appalled that she had been living alone. Sometimes you just don’t notice until you spend more time with them.

      Encouraging them to take a bath or shower is one of the most difficult things a caregiver has to do. Because they forget so quickly, they simply don’t realize the amount of time that has elapsed since their last shower. I always thought my Mom had some kind of fear of the water. She would fight to stay out of the shower or away from running water no matter what. Also, there is the possibility that they are no longer able to set the water, as quite often they have problems with water faucets and such–(which way to turn for ON/OFF)

      I always wondered if my Mom had suffered a burn/freeze at some time while adjusting her own water. There are many suggestion for encouraging them to bathe. The thing that worked for me was to set Mom’s water running for her, set out her toothbrush and hair brush and clean clothing on a stool in the bathroom. Then I would call to her and say, “Mom, I’ve started your shower water running as you asked me to!”

      Mom would look puzzled, hesitate, think about it, then say, “Oh okay!” Finally, she would march right in and take a shower as though it was her idea all along.

      I will also post your question on our Facebook page and we’ll see how other caregivers encourage their loved one with Alzheimer’s to shower!

      Thank you for stopping by and all the best with your Step-Dad. He’s fortunate to have a daughter like you!

      ~Sandy
      See us on Facebook Alzheimer’s Support

  17. Aw, this was a very nice post. Spending some time and actual effort to generate a good article… but what can I say… I put things off a lot and never
    seem to get anything done.

    Reply

  18. I am a caregiver for my grandfather. I tried running the bath as suggested and he told me to turn the faucet off because he had “already” bathed. He will make all kinds of excuses. He says he already bathed last night and this morning.
    It takes almost the whole day to convince him.
    The suggestion in the article is a good tip but unfortunately it doesn’t work for everyone. Looking forward to more tips though 🙂

    Reply

    • Hello Sheri,
      Oh, I do understand. Mom would say the same thing as your grandfather. Yes, you are right. Showering is a top issue for those with Alzheimer’s or dementia.

      1. Don’t argue, if you keep insisting and he keeps refusing it turns into an argument that just isn’t worth it. It aggravates him and frustrates you and creates a big upset that is not worth it.

      2. If he showers twice a week, that is adequate. This is one of the most often complaints from Alzheimer’s caregivers. We aren’t certain why they don’t want to shower; it could be fear of the running water, fear of the shower stall itself, or they sincerely believe they have just bathed.

      3. He may be willing to sponge bathe with a basin of warm soapy water, and many folks prefer that just be certain that if bathing in this manner, he starts at the top of his head and works his way down, using several wash cloths during the process. Here’s an article about How to give a sponge bath.

      4. My Mom eventually became quite happy with a bench in the shower, and a hand-held shower spray hose. I think my Mom’s issue was the running water, because once she could hold the shower hose and had to push a button to get the water spray, she was content to take a bath.

      Hope this helps!
      ~Sandy

  19. You spoke the truth! I know what you mean, and it seems to be an issue with so many others. My mom would say, I just took a shower! Of course she didn’t, I was there. Then she would sometimes get up in the middle of the night to shower. You do need to pick your battles and sometimes that was one that just wasn’t worth fighting. I had to wait until she was in a really good mood to approach her on the subject and then she might go along with it. I know how she used to be, she loved to shower and have clean hair. Alzheimers changes people in so many ways, it’s so sad.

    Reply

  20. When my mother-in-law (who had Alzheimer’s) refused to bathe A nurse that worked with Alzheimer patient told me that since they go back in time that it is a great possibility that they remember their Mother telling them to not go near the water they might fall in and drowned. When she refused my husband would tell her If she didn’t take a bath that she wouldn,t get to go to senior citizen the next day and she would head straight to the bathroom and take her bath.

    Reply

    • What a sweet way to help her accept a bath. And it worked! It’s always nice to hear new ideas.

      Thanks for your comment,
      Sandy

  21. Showering is less of an issue with you are caring for your spouse. I give him my most suggestive look and say, “Hey Sweet Man! Let’s go take a shower!” and off we go! Works so for!

    Reply

    • That is the sweetest story I’ve heard yet about coaxing a spouse with Alzheimer’s to the shower! Good for you! Thank you so much for sharing!

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