communication Archives - Page 13 of 13

A Long Absence may erase you from Memory

I first began to notice odd behavior in the year before Mom’s second husband passed away. It was nothing outrageous or ominous that pointed to Alzheimers, but Mom seemed to be forgetting folks she hadn’t seen in a few years. I took note, assessed it as a sign of aging and allowed the moment to pass. And I wasn’t reminded of those moments again until years later.

Back then, Mom and her hubby lived in an adult community kept busy by a flurry of activities. A coffee cliché every Tuesday, a pot-luck dinner on Friday nights, plenty of swim parties and other recreation as the population flourished through the winter months. During the summer, many of the homes sat empty, awaiting the arrival of the next winter’s “snowbirds.”

Snowbirds are a flock of Easterners who migrate to the Western states in the fall and stay till spring, abandoning winter months in their home-state for the sunshine of the West. Mom’s small community had many “regulars,” some had returned for a decade of winters. The regular residents could hardly wait for the snowbirds arrival each spring, when the enthusiasm of the community was back in full swing. Most had been friends for many years.

I arrived at mom’s one morning to find Mom and Dottie sunning on the front deck. Dottie was a widow about the same age as mom and a snowbird who lived in Wisconsin and wintered in Arizona for as long as mom had lived there.

Dottie’s home sat next door to Mom’s, and mom took pleasure in tending Dottie’s yard and garden while Dottie was back East in the fall.

Mom would miss Dottie dearly every spring when Dottie flew home to her own family and wait eagerly for her return in the fall. Both widows now, they were inseparable through the winter months.

“What are you pretty ladies doing this morning?” I asked as I sat down between them on an early morning visit to see Mom. “Are you glad to be back, Dottie?” Dottie had only arrived the day before.

“Mom sure misses you,” I told her. Dottie smiled and Mom frowned at me like my hair was on fire. I frowned right back.

“I miss your mom too,” Dottie reached over and squeezed Mom’s hand as she stood and excused herself. “I still have to unpack. I’ll see you gals later.” She smiled, waved and headed next door.

“What was that about?” I asked Mom.

“What?” she pretended to misunderstand.

“That “look” you gave me when I told Dottie you missed her every year. You do miss her, don’t you?”

Mom frowned and leaned forward, speaking for my ears only. “I hardly know that woman and she’s been sitting here for 2 hours. I ran out of things to say…”

I was so astounded by what she’d said, I didn’t know quite how to respond. I stayed silent instead but Mom’s words rang in my ears all the way home.

It was one of those moments in time when you can only scratch your head and say “what just happened?” I was haunted by this little, insignificant incident long after I went home and for weeks to come. I never truly understood what happened that day until many years later when Mom was finally diagnosed with Alzheimers.

Then I finally understood that the many months Dottie had been away had darkened Mom’s memory of her. And as Alzheimer’s advanced, I noticed those same lights went out for many of Mom’s immediate friends and family members. I also noticed a direct correlation between her memory and how recently she had spent time with each person.

In the case of Alzheimers, “Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, but a long absence can erase you from their memory entirely.” Stay in touch with your loved one who has dementia. Prolong your memory in their mind for as long as you can.

**************

If a loved one or family member lives faraway – Digital photo frames are a great way to keep yourself fresh in their mind! A great gift idea for those with memory problems or early dementia–

Mom complained for weeks about my taking her car away. When I finally removed the Photo of her car from her dresser, she finally began to forget the darn thing….

———————————————

NIX 12 inch Hi-Res Digital Photo Frame with Motion Sensor & 4GB Memory – X12C ViewSonic 8-Inch Digital Photo Frame (VFD820-70)HP HP-DF1010P1 10-Inch Digital Picture Frames (Espresso Brown)Micca M1503Z 15-Inch Koolertron Portable 13.3 Inch Multi Function Micca M808z 8-Inch 800×600

————————————————–

How to Convince a Loved One to Shower when they have Alzheimer’s

I was really baffled when Mom began to wear the same clothes day after day whether they were clean or not.

Occasionally, I’d find her bundled-up in a winter coat when it was 90 degrees. Once I arrived at her house for a short trip to the grocery store and quick lunch at a fast-food restaurant. Mom waited in full make-up, long evening gown and dangling earrings.

After Mom’s Alzheimers diagnosis, I did little reading about the disease. I had yet to learn the myriad of odd behaviors that would come. I wasn’t quite sure what a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s meant at all. It was several months before I began to equate her new eccentricities to a decline in cognitive thinking.

==>>I didn’t understand why she lost the ability to dress properly, or any interest in cleanliness until much later.<<==

In the beginning Hygiene became a war between us–me trying to convince Mom to change clothes or shower by sheer force. If asked about it, Mom would shrug and walk away. She was totally unconcerned about my frantic attempts to keep her clean. Totally confused, I thought to myself– I was struggling to teach the very person who had taught me all I knew about living and learning and cleanliness.

Eventually, in the middle stages of Alzheimers, Mom refused to shower at all. Our daily battles over the shower and hygiene became so stressful it still hurts to remember the angry words we spat at each other.

Now, if I had it to do over, I don’t think I’d care if she ever showered again. It was many months before I learned that demanding and arguing only encourages the Alzheimer’s patient to become more obstinate and aggressive. Always “pick your battles” and remember, in light of the eventuality of Alzheimer’s, almost anything is tolerable.

I still don’t know exactly why others with Alzheimer’s are so afraid of taking a shower. I haven’t had a great fear yet, just cautious. Since I’m in early stage, myself, I have burned myself a couple times during the confusion with hot/cold water. I did learn to have it set before I step under the water flow. And perhaps the knowledge of the fear and caution will eventually cease.

Working on “fear of the water temperature” theory, I found a solution that worked for Mom and I. I turned on the water in the shower, adjusted the temperature, and let it run as I left the room and sat quietly in the living room. It was never long before Mom was searching for me. “You left water running in the bathroom,” she would tell me, “it will flood the floor.”

“Don’t you remember, Mom,” I would say. “You told me to adjust the water because you wanted to take a shower. That’s what I did.”

Mom would only hesitate for a moment, search for a reply and then say, “Oh…I forgot… Okay, I’ll take my shower now.” And she was off to the bathroom and a shower as though it had been her idea all along.

The person with Alzheimer’s becomes expert at denying and covering for their memory lapses in the earliest stages of this disease.

They know how to make you feel crazy by denying their forgetting or pretending they remember while you know full-well they do not.

I must admit, I did marvel at how simple the resolution had been for the shower issue and wished I’d thought of it months earlier. It worked for a few months and that’s all I could ask.

________________________________________________________________

———————————————————————-