It's common to have many questions when a loved one has dementia.

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Mom Didn’t Remember Making Her Own Funeral Arrangements

Early Signs of Alzheimer’s

When Mom’s second husband passed away, there were already early signs of Alzheimer’s that I did not see. She was in her late 70’s and I wasn’t sure how well she would cope with this tragedy. Her husband had been in good health, a slight asthmatic problem, but nothing more serious. When he suddenly collapsed after surgery, it was learned that he’d contracted an infection that held it’s own against all antibiotics. He was gone a few short days later.

Since their marriage 15 years earlier, Mom had depended on him heavily. Her marriage to my father had not ended as a happy one, so this last marriage had been a blessing. Her hubby was a take-charge guy and Mom’s lifestyle became just shy of blissful.

She quit driving with pleasure and allowed him to become their manager for finances, health care, insurance, and even doctor’s appointments. This husband handled everything except travel plans. Mom planned their numerous trips.

They traveled throughout the East and Midwestern states, where he had 10 children of his own. Three of his daughters flew-in during his final days in the hospital and stayed to accompany me to the funeral home to make the arrangements.

Mom was sad, but did not appear to be as devastated as I had thought she might be. When my father passed away years earlier, she had been uncontrollably anguished. Their marriage had not been a good one, yet it had lasted 40 years.

For this trip to the Funeral Home, she was dressed and ready to accompany us early the next morning. She handed me her checkbook with instructions to “pay it all, what ever the cost.” She did not want his children to know the cost or be responsible for any portion of the bill. Mom had adequate finances, and this was to be her burden alone.

We all entered the mortuary together, Mom, me and 3 half sisters. We were taken to a small room off to the side of the chapel and seated at a round table with blue binders in front of each blue upholstered chair.

A door to the side opened and another woman came forward with hand outstretched to greet and hug Mom as though they were nearest kinfolk. “I was so sorry to learn the news.” She patted Mom’s hand and continued to speak softly. As she consoled Mom, tears welled in her own eyes. I became uncomfortable, feeling as though I should know this woman, yet I didn’t. Another of Mom’s early signs of Alzheimer’s ignored.

“It’s just the saddest thing,” she spoke and shook her head back n forth at the same time. ” I can hardly believe it was only a year ago.”

I looked at Mom, seeking some sign of recognition. None. She sees this woman as much a stranger as I do. More early signs of Alzheimer’s that neither of us recognized.

“Last year?” I finally speak up? with a question. My curiosity has me leaning forward.

“Oh yes,” she’s nodding her head, then shaking it back and forth as she lowers her chin. “He was such a nice man. We just had the best time. Very comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. It doesn’t come easy for most of us. Making funeral arrangements is not something we want to do. It’s something we should do, but most people don’t. They leave it for their children.” She shrugged, and continued. “If you could give me a minute, I’ll find all the paper work. It’s a fairly recent pre-plan, so it won’t take long. The really old ones are the ones that are difficult to locate but as I said, they were in last year so… ” she offered a half smile and closed the door quietly behind her.

From what she was saying, I assumed that Mom and her husband had already visited the Funeral Home within the last year.

“Mom,” I asked curiously… “you were here last year? Do you remember her? She seems to know you.”

“No,” Mom was adamant, shaking her head back and forth. “I’ve never seen her before. I’m sure she’s mistaken. Maybe I look like someone else, mistaken identity or something. I don’t know her, and I certainly wasn’t in a funeral home last year.” Mom was clearly agitated now, twisting the little winder on her watch. She had a strange and fearful look in her eye as though reading her watch absolutely necessary right now!

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Timex Women’s Digital Watch

(Mom was more preoccupied with the time than what was happening in the moment.

Her watch was broken, I was certain. She had wound and unwound the small stem on her watch until it was surely broken. Yet, held to my ear, it ticked as it always had… “tick…tick…tick.”

Now she complained that it no longer worked, no longer told her the right time of day.

I often felt that I was as useless as that watch. Everything was confusing, a ticking clock that couldn’t tell time, a funeral home that had reservations for someone before they passed.

If it wasn’t so sad, I’d be laughing.

Frankly, I was confused and irritated. Only much later, when I finally knew that my mother had Alzheimer’s, did I learn that she could no longer read the hands on a clock. No longer recall things she’d done a year ago.

Another very common early sign of Alzheimer’s, yet I knew nothing about Alzheimer’s on that day.

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“Okay, okay. It will be fine, Mom.” I comforted her with an arm around her shoulder. “She’ll realize her mistake when she can’t find a file for you. I’m sure she has you confused with someone else.”

We sat around a long Mahogany table and flipped pages in a binder, viewing floral arrangements in various color, size and price range. It was only minutes before the woman in blue returned. This time she shifted the weight of much smaller black leather books.

“These are the arrangements you pre-approved,” she said as she slid a ne folder in front of each of us. I glanced at Mom first, before flipping the cover on this new binder. Mom’s face pinched in a grimace.

The front cover opened and introduced the arrangements made by Mom and her husband. All of the arrangements. The only thing missing was the dates of their death. I watched Mom as she squinted and frowned at the photo of their tombstone, the flowers with trailing stems, the sweet verse, their names and birth dates, all chosen more than a year before but totally unfamiliar to my mother.

The lady who had been a stranger said, “Remember how we pined over the correct verse to use. I really like it now. It does it still seem appropriate to you?” She smiled.

Mom shifted in her chair with a look of fright, then forced a smile and added, “Oh yes, that’s right. I do remember that.”

I wanted to shout! I could tell by the look in her eye, she remembered no such thing!

But I waited. When we got home I questioned and questioned her. My Mom and Her husband had pre-planned their entire funerals and pre-paid the entire bill only a year before. Yet, she hadn’t remembered a single thing about it, not even the lady who had worked with her through the arrangements.

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As I think back, it was more warning, more missed early signs of Alzheimer’s. It wasn’t the only incident that would have me confused and scratching my head. I could hardly speak as Mom denied ever being in the funeral home, then agreed that she had simply forgotten it. And there would be many many more confusing circumstances before I finally told the doctor about my mom’s memory problems.

The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide Alzheimer’s Disease Guide To Understanding Dementia Alzheimer’s Disease: What If There Was a Cure? A First-Time Caregiver’s Plan Surviving Alzheimer’s

How to take the Car Away from an Elderly Parent with Alzheimers dementia

05/017 Comments

How to take the car away from an Elderly Parent with Alzheimer’s dementia?

One of the most difficult things to do is to take the car away from an elderly parent who has Alzheimer’s dementia.

Not long after dementia begins, the cognitive ability to drive begins to wane.

By Stage 3, most people with Alzheimer’s or Dementia can no longer meet the standards to be in-control of an automobile. With dementia behind the wheel, an automobile becomes three-thousand pounds of metal jetting down a highway. Once dementia is noted, Little time goes by without an horrible accident because family members were too afraid to take away a persons car or drivers license. Yet– It must be done.

And it happens at the most inopportune moment in the process of their illness. The caregiver who is usually an adult child, struggling to learn how to “parent their parent” becomes the “bad guy” who must steal their car away.

While you’re still learning to “parent” your own parent, they enter the stage of full-fledged denial.

They no longer believe or even know the meaning of Alzheimer’s.
If they don’t remember something you ask about the past, they are quite likely to invent their own history.
Similar to dealing with a capricious child. There is no animosity involved, they simply invent what you want to hear because they don’t remember what the truth of the matter really is.

So any reassurances from them about how well they drive, and how much they need their car, and how others have praised their driving, should not weigh heavy on your conscience or decision-making to remove their car.

Remember! What they tell you about their abilities behind the wheel are probably NOT the truth.

I thought I was very inventive when I slipped Mom’s driver’s license out of her wallet without her knowing. The next time she intended to drive, I told her she couldn’t because she had lost her license. “You always need a license to drive,” I told her, in an appeal to her strong sense of obedience to the law.

Without skipping a beat, Mom looked at me and said, “Well, you do know, the head of Motor Vehicles (at the state Capitol) is an old friend of mine. I’ve known him for many many years and because I’ve been driving for more than 60 years and never had an accident, he said that I no longer need a valid driver’s license. I can drive without one from now on.. anytime I want.”

What! I almost burst out laughing– How could she concoct such a foolish story on such short notice. Believe me…..she got much better at that too!

Mom had been a good driver. But she also had 3 car accidents in her later years. And–NO, she never met nor knew a single person at the DMV. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing out-loud at this new story. But Mom was straight-faced and dead-serious!

Finally, I acquiesced. “I’ll call him tomorrow, just to be sure that it’s still all right for you to drive.”

Never argue with someone who has Alzheimer’s! Change the subject, delay the argument, postpone what ever they want to do until tomorrow–but don’t argue. No one wins in these battles and the person with Alzheimer’s can be quick with a temper if you push them.

Mom smiled like a Cheshire cat, thinking she’d still have wheels for a little longer–and promptly forgot that she needed to drive the car at all that day.

In fact, we had this exact conversation almost every day for months. Mom wanted to drive / she lost her license / her “friend” at the DMV said she could drive anyway /I will call her tomorrow —

It always amazed me that Mom could not remember she had Alzheimer’s, or any memory problem for that matter. She couldn’t remember grandchildren, nor great-grandchildren. She couldn’t remember we had the same conversation about her drivers license 20 times today– but she always remembered that she knew the official at the State Capitol, which was a total fantasy of her own imagination. And I don’t think she ever forgot her car.

She would tell and re-tell memories that she had invented, while she lost more and more of the memories that she had actually lived.

I was able to postpone actually taking her car for several months while we circled round and round the pretend story about her friend at the Department of Motor Vehicles. But eventually, she began sneaking the car anyway–driver license or not! And my brother took her car away to a safer place. Which she NEVER forgot, I might add, till her very last days.

We did suffer many accusations. ‘I stole her car to give it to my daughter.’ Or, ‘ my brother stole her car to sell it for money.’ Actually, her car sat in a driveway, covered and idle for the rest of it’s days but Mom never believed the truth.

It is painful when the Alzheimer sufferer accuses you falsely. Most of us shed a tear while we take Mom’s car away but know that it must be done. I tried to keep in mind all the losses she’d suffered through the stages of this disease and be gentle in response to her pleas. But, I reminded myself also, that I had to ‘parent’ my parent now. Mom would never have allowed me to drive a car if I was a danger to myself and others.

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Brain Puzzles for Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s & Stroke Patients Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Still Alice————————————————

Early Onset Alzheimer Behavior

04/212 Comments

Early Onset Alzheimer Behavior

I ignored many of the signs of Early Onset Alzheimer Behavior with my Mom. I brushed off silly things Mom said and did and odd things she would tell my two brothers. I often thought it was a faze she was going through.

Some things, I realize now, were a clear warning of dementia or some other physical problem. But at the time, I saw them as sheer orneriness. And, my Mom could be onry if she set her mind to it.

It sounds inconsistent to say such a sweet lady as my mother could be onry, but she could. I think stubborn might be the better word, but in her later years that stubbornness became obstinate. So now I even wonder about those early days and signs and symptoms that I dismissed as stubbornness.

Should I have suspected sooner? Could Mom have taken medication earlier? Could I have done something to slow the progression of her early Alzheimer’s disease?

==> What did I miss? <==

We could all say and think the same thing, but we would be berating ourselves for naught.

Could I have been kinder when her behavior was atrocious and angry– or more receptive and loving when she wanted a hug. Certainly I could have but it would have made no difference to Mom, nor does whipping myself now change anything.

Changes in behavior is the hallmark symptom for Alzheimer’s disease whether your loved one is in their late 40’s or late 70’s. It isn’t always a big change in behavior but can be something as small as a hug.

Mom began hugging in her late 70’s, I mean hugging all the time and hugging hard. She had never been a hugger in the past and it gave me a little hitch in my stomach every time she hugged me. Something was wrong. Yet, how could I go to the doctor and say, there has to be something wrong with my MOM–she hugged me today.

On the other hand, the earlier the diagnosis, the sooner medications are prescribed to delay symptoms. It’s a catch-22 for sure.

I would never have considered a disease as culprit when Mom started hugging. Not then, or now. I only knew that my mother was different, somehow. I thought it might be senility due to her age, or loneliness because her husband had passed away. The changes in her personality weren’t particularly “good” or “bad.”

==> Mom was just different <==

Suddenly she was no longer my regular, good natured, Mom.

Growing up, I never heard my mother say a curse word. She didn’t curse and she didn’t allow her children to curse. She wasn’t a strict disciplinarian but she had rules and we obeyed.

Old fashioned as she was, she didn’t tell dirty jokes or speak evil of anyone. Likewise, she didn’t coddle nor hug her children. She remembered the depression of her youth and the difficult life her parents had endured to survive it. “All work and no play,” was the rule of their day and held true for my mother as well.

The Intimacy Factor Scary Close: Dropping the Act Emotional Intimacy 100-Day Guide to friendship

==> My mom was not a hugger <==

Still, I knew she loved me and my two brothers. She was not over-affectionate or prone to hug and kiss her children or my father. To her way of thinking, you didn’t make a public display of affection, even in the privacy of your own home.

When Mom hugged me for the first time, me… a sixty-year-old grandmother myself, it was a death-grip. Like no hug I had ever had before, I recoiled. It felt so uncomfortable, so unnatural that I couldn’t stay in Mom’s grasp. Mom was breaking a rule that she’d adhered to for all of her life and demanded that we obey also. She was seventy-eight years old and she was hugging me so tight that it was uncomfortable.

Mom’s behavior changed in many ways. Over the next few years, in baby steps, inhibitions were forgotten, family rules were no more, soft-spoken became out-spoken and gentile became bawdy at times. The changes came slowly–over several years–one at a time.

I didn’t see them all at once, as a whole, as the beginning of a dreaded disease–not until after the diagnosis. Now, all those moments of change bring pause to my thoughts–remembering all the behavior changes that I ignored. If only we had begun treatment sooner, I scold myself–

Live Your Best With Early-Stages Can no longer read hands on a clock Conversations Change may need counseling 2 Button controllers less confusing

Alzheimer’s Disease is a slow, progressive disease that may run its course over 20 years near the end of a life span. In the beginning–symptoms are few and easily overlooked. Behaviors change gradually, but eventually, the person you knew is no longer there–

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DEMENTIA: Early Diagnosis Alzheimer’s: Dementia: Symptoms Caregiver’s Introduction to Dementia Early Onset Dementia

Is This The Beginning of Alzheimer’s Disease or… What City is this anyway?

04/1912 Comments

The Beginning of Alzheimer’s Disease

My mother was in her late 70’s when her second husband passed away. The time and photo of her, with my son, was 10 years before her diagnosis.

Her first marriage had not been a happy one but this second mating was perfect. Mom enjoyed a full and happy life for 15 years with her second husband, a kind and caring man. They traveled the East Coast, sights that were new and unique for my Mom; a west coast lady for all of her life after leaving Oklahoma as little more than a teen.

I hadn’t spent nearly as much time with her during the last few years of her life. My young children were growing up and becoming young adults, monopolizing most of my time. And Mom was busy with her own life– a new husband and happier than she’d ever been.

Mom was fortunate to have good health, a happy smile and youthful attitude well into her seventies. I only hoped I was lucky enough to inherit her good genes. Then, unexpectedly, her husband was gone– an infection after major surgery. And Mom was alone again.

She owned her own home, had a nice car, was in good health (never a drinker or smoker), and was as active as she’d ever been. I knew she’d be fine, only needing to brush-up on her rusty driving skills. All driving had been deferred to her new hubby for the past 15 years so Mom was skittish behind the wheel.

Driving for Mom was limited to a weekly trip to her favorite hair-dresser and quick “run-backs” to Safeway at the same shopping center, only a block away.

To break the monotony of her loneliness I invited Mom for an occasional weekend at our place. I’ll never forget a particular visit that left me puzzled about Mom’s behavior.

Mom loved shopping so on the second day of her visit, we woke early and spent a full day of shopping and lunch at the mall.

After lunch, Mom appeared to be a little tired and confused so we headed back to the car. As she stood near the passenger door, she inhaled deeply, held out her arms and said, “Take a deep breath. Isn’t this great. It’s funny how much better the air smells in Texas.”

I frowned. We lived in Arizona, we’d lived in Arizona for 35 years. The air could take your breath away in the summer alright, it was Hot and Dry and if you breathed too deeply you’d probably scorch your lungs.

“Right,” I agreed facetiously, “You can fry an egg on the sidewalk this time of year, Mom.”

Mom frowned, and asked, “You can? In Texas too? You can fry an egg on the sidewalk in Texas?”

Now, I was confused. I stashed our packages in the trunk and got Mom into the car. Something was wrong, I was certain of it. After getting her seated, I hurried to the driver’s side. I couldn’t imagine what might have happened but Mom was clearly confused. The thought of a stroke entered my mind.

“Mom…” I finally turned to her, “This is Arizona.”

She didn’t face me, but leaned back in the seat and a puzzled expression wrinkled her brow. “This is Arizona?“

Her eyes were confused when she turned toward me, searching my face for the sign of a grin. She thought I was teasing her. “We’re in Arizona?” She repeated the question as she looked out the window, clearly searching for something to help get her bearings.

I nodded. “Mom, do you have a headache, or anything?” I started the car while I watched her cautiously. “Yes, this is Arizona. We’ve lived here for 35 years. What made you think it was Texas?”

She rubbed her forehead and I could see the struggle as she accepted my words and brought her mind back to Arizona.

“My goodness,” she finally said. “I could have sworn we were in Texas.” She pointed out the window. “I think this mall is built exactly like the mall we use to visit in Texas. It confused me for a moment.” Then she laughed aloud.

I couldn’t help but laugh, too, once I knew that Mom was all right. “Nope, Mom, you’re in Arizona. We haven’t been in Texas in 35 years.”

That moment was a missed warning. But later it became a humorous story that Mom and I told often, laughing harder at the silliness of it with every telling. It would be years before I looked back and realized that day at the mall had been an ominous “sign,” a “symptom” of what was yet to come– Alzheimer’s.

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Living Your Best With Early-Stage Alzheimer’s: An Essential Guide Come Back Early Today: A Memoir of Love, Alzheimer’s and Joy Developing Support Groups for Individuals with Early-Stage Alzheimer’s The Alzheimer’s Answer: Reduce Your Risk and Keep Your Brain Healthy The Alzheimer’s Action Plan: What You Need to Know–and need to Do Ice Cream in the Cupboard: A True Story of Early Onset Alzheimer’s

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Early Signs and Symptoms of Dementia Dismissed as Simple Aging

04/19Leave a Comment

Early Signs and Symptoms of Dementia Dismissed

I felt a sense of relief that my mom was so independent for her age. Almost 80, she looked and acted years younger. Her health was good, she ate well and exercised daily.

Years as a dietitian had taught her the value of a balanced diet filled with fruits and vegetables. She loved to cook, sew, crochet, knit and embroider. She was an artsy-crafty woman who never knew the word “bored.” Mom had more plans and goals than someone many years her junior.

I felt a strong sense of gratitude that I had reached my late-fifties and early-sixties with a living mother. Too often we take our parents for granted when we’re younger. But as we reach later stages of life and still have living parents, we’re grateful.

That doesn’t mean that every minute between us was bliss, we had our share of arguments. We were like any other Mother and daughter— but I couldn’t imagine a day without her.

After Mom’s husband passed away, our times together became more frequent. I made the trip across town (we lived on opposite sides of a large metropolitan city) twice weekly. It was a renewal of an old friendship for me. We hadn’t been together as often since her days with my father, more than 15 years before. Now we were learning about each other all over again. My brothers visited, also. We alternated days so she would have fewer days alone and less time for grieving the loss of her most-recent husband.

Oddly, Mom seemed a happier person than I remembered. The strain of marriage to my father all but forgotten, happy memories with her new husband became the topic of our conversations. I wanted to hear about their travels, the places she’d seen, the experiences she’d had, the souvenirs she’d brought home and preserved in stacks and stacks of photo albums and shadow boxes. A bedroom full. And I wanted to share with her all the experiences I’d missed while she’d created a new life with someone other than my father.

One afternoon as I rummaged through Mom’s travelogues, searching for a particular city I wanted to learn more about, I thought of something a little odd. “Where are our photo albums, Mom?” I asked her. It had been years since my brothers and I sat around a messy stack of photo albums and laughed at younger photos of ourselves until our stomach muscles ached from raucous laughter.

“Your photo albums?” Mom repeated my question with a blank look on her face, clearly she had no idea what I was talking about.

“Mom..” I said. “We had stacks and stacks of photo albums. Kindergarten through High School, Children through Grand-Children and now… Great Grand-Children.” I hadn’t seen those albums in years, but I was certain of their existence. “Yes,” I was firm, “the photo albums of me and Randy and Tim. Our families!”

Mom stared at me for long moments, clearly trying let what I’d said soak in and plan a response. It was almost as though I were a stranger, why would she have pictures of my family. Then she grew suddenly flippant and answered, “Oh, they’re around here somewhere.”

She stood abruptly, averted her eyes as she brushed the question away along with the imaginary dust on her apron. “I’m gonna fix us both a cup of tea,” her voice trailed off as she ducked her head and rushed off to the kitchen. Clearly, without a word, she had said the subject was closed, no more questions about our family photo albums. Amazed, I could only wonder at how odd the entire encounter had been.

And I still thought of it that evening at home. It seemed a strange thing to be so bothered about, I consoled myself. A small moment of brain freeze, perhaps, I tried to comfort my doubts. It was bizarre, none the less. And if it wasn’t weird behavior, and shouldn’t upset me, why was my stomach in such a knot.

As I thought back about that strange day, much later after a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s had been made–then, it all became clear and made sense.

Mom had hedged on every album I pulled out. She wouldn’t identify a picture, name a city or discuss her, now deceased, hubby’s family. Yet it was all of them so obviously smiling from so many of those pictures taken in Wisconsin. I had wondered if her heart was too heavy with grief. Maybe she didn’t want to remember all those good times, didn’t want the reminder of what her life had been, maybe the grief of losing her husband ran too deep, it had been scarcely more than a year since his passing now.

She seldom spoke of him anymore, and when I mentioned his name Mom would change the subject. Another mystery that I’d been unable to solve. My mother just wasn’t quite my mother anymore. I couldn’t explain it, I just knew Mom wasn’t her old happy self.

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