How to Respond to False Accusations by Someone with Alzheimer’s Dementia

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How to Respond to False Accusations from  someone who has Alzheimer’s–

More often than you think, an Alzheimer’s or Dementia patient may falsely accuse their caregiver of stealing. They may also make accusations of abuse or persecution at the hands of a caregiver or nursing home. To be sure, all accusations should be investigated to verify the truth of the matter.

The person with Alzheimer’s does not invent stories from malice. But more often than not, the person with Alzheimer’s is mistaken in their reasoning.

Accusations of theft by the Person with Alzheimer’s 

It’s more likely that the person  with Alzheimer’s misplaced their own property. My Mom seldom put things away in the same place twice because she couldn’t remember where to put them.

When she folded clothes or cleaned house, she couldn’t remember where things belonged. Hence, household items were seldom returned to the same place twice, drawers and cabinets became a hodge-podge of various items.

When visiting Mom, I was as likely to find a can of coffee in the bathroom cabinet as a roll of toilet paper under the kitchen sink.  She no longer remembered her own filing system. Her brain no longer formed appropriate Associations of  : Things to Places

Short story:

I can remember being in Mom’s home, (before Alzheimer’s diagnosis) preparing soup for our lunch. When I asked Mom to get the crackers, her eyes went blank. I assumed it was one of those “senior moments,” (I’ve had a few of those myself). She was caught off guard. But– she never remembered where the crackers were stored in her own kitchen and it took both of us searching for an half-hour before we finally found the crackers in a shelf over the entertainment center. I remember realizing the oddity of the moment, but convinced myself it was only mom’s age playing tricks on her. It was much later before I noticed so many items out of place that I knew there was a problem. Mom didn’t remember where anything belonged.

I think this is the heart of the accusations about stealing. The person with Alzheimer’s doesn’t remember where things belong, they only remember that something is missing. And to their way of thinking, it must have been stolen.

Since the Caregiver is the most familiar person to the person with Alzheimer’s, in their misguided reasoning, the Caregiver Stole It. There is no rationale to this reasoning, but due to damage to the brain by the build-up of plaque, the Alzheimer’s patient can no longer reach a reasonable conclusion. They simply can not.

Without short-term memory, the person with Alzheimer’s lives in the moment–with no memory of all the moments that went before.  Without memory of all those moments, they won’t remember that they misplaced the item themselves, they won’t remember all the caregiver does in a single day’s time to support and help and care for them.

All they know is this one moment: their item is missing and the caregiver is present, she must have taken it. A flawed deduction but the only one that the person with Alzheimer’s is able to make.

Without memory of past moments, it’s easy to understand why folks with Alzheimer’s remain in a state of confusion for most of the time.

Without past memories, they also forget that they are no longer able to drive, or handle their finances, or babysit their grandchildren, or live alone, etc.

Their reasoning about these losses is as flawed as their reasoning about their missing items. The Alzheimer’s Patient feels as though things, people and places are being stolen away from them. Therefore, they assume the caregiver won’t let them go home, find their mother, drive their car, or spend time alone with their grandchildren, etc. Since the Caregiver is in-control, to the Alzheimer patient’s way of reasoning, the caregiver is “at fault.”

A few Books for more insight about the person with dementia

How to Respond to the Accusations

These accusations are so personal and hurtful, the first thing we feel is emotional pain and the need to defend. The temptation is to strike back in an angry tone and let the patient know that they probably misplaced any lost items themselves. Yet, that would be a futile response.

No matter how well your reasoning sounds, they will not see your point of view. The  plaque has damaged their brain so that  their reasoning is flawed. No matter how often you try to explain the fact of the matter to an Alzheimer’s patient, they will not understand. They can’t help it. Most likely, if you confront the Alzheimer’s Patient in an angry or upset mood, they may well become angry and belligerent. To their reasoning,  any confrontation is an attack against their person and they may become violent.

In most cases, I suggest that you agree with the Alzheimer’s patient at all cost. When my Mom would cry to go home and see her mother, I would say, “We’ll do it tomorrow.”

In the case of false accusations, you can not agree or pretend to go along with the patient’s accusations. To confront or argue could present a volatile situation, while agreeing would defame someone falsely. Instead,  you do need to be sympathetic to their loss and perhaps persuade them to search for the item with your assistance, which is generally found where the patient misplaced it.  With an arm around the patient you might suggest, “Oh my, your purse is missing? Let’s see if we can find it.”

Often the Alzheimer’s or Dementia sufferer makes the same erroneous accusations because items have been removed from their possession for their own safety; car keys, curling iron, medications, power tools, weapons, etc.

The first thing to understand is that this suspicious or paranoid behavior can’t be controlled by the Alzheimer’s Sufferer. It is totally out of their control.  Their reasoning is flawed due to brain damage and they aren’t able to think any other way. Every minute is a new minute and they have no past behavior as a reference to judge any incident.

With a little ingenuity, there is always a safe way to handle each new accusation.

When my mom accused me of stealing her money, (this is a common accusation from an Alzheimer’s sufferer):

I retrieved several old bank statements, blacked-out all personal information and identifying account numbers and folded them into her purse. Mom carried her purse on her arm and would sit and go through each item stored in her purse methodically throughout the day. Within weeks those bank statements were soft as cotton from constant handling, but it was reassuring for Mom to check her money at a glance. And all accusations that I was stealing money from her stopped. My brothers thought it was quite ingenious.

Thankfully, my brothers were totally supportive of all my actions. We sat down to a family meeting as soon as Mom was diagnosed. Together, we went over bank statements, monthly bills, assets and liabilities. By making many decisions early-on, there were few problems later. If she was billed for a large expenditure such as an hospitalization, or yearly property tax, etc., I simply emailed  to let my brothers know.

Often, it is more difficult for those family members who don’t see the patient on a regular basis. When hearing any  accusations for the first time, they may not understand Alzheimer’s disease and it’s detrimental affect on the person with dementia.  Perhaps, a kind way to help them is to offer a gift of knowledge. Offer them a book about Alzheimer’s, that explains all the puzzling behavior that you’ve learned to cope with every day.

Below are several books that answer many questions about Alzheimer’s and it’s consequences to the patient and caregiver.  If you are having a particular issue with your loved one, perhaps you might find a corresponding article and mark that page for future reference for another family member to read. I know my brothers were totally surprised when they first began to learn about some of mom’s faulty reasoning. It is not easy to understand unless you live with the Alzheimer’s patient on a daily basis.

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A baby doll she can loveMedic reminder alarmBig Board Books Crayola Classic ColorsNon-Skid Socks Prevent fallsDigital Clock they can read

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Comments

  1. Jerzy says

    Good morning,

    I am thanking you so much for sharing of your own caregiver experiences that I found it to be very helpful for myself and surely for others an Alzheimer’s Patients caregiver. Reading this I feelt like I am looking at greater part of my life that I am spending now.

    My wife, my doughter and myself are caregivers to my Mother in law who lives with us in our house and is afflicted with far gone Alzheimers’. We are doing our best to asure her anything she needs like a love, quiet, care, ..etc. We however accounter accusations from her side anyway.

    In order to assure her proper care, we have moved her two years ago from her flat in small village where she was alone to our little town’s house. She is 87 and she has lived there since 50 years. Obviously she was not so happy, but accepted it because doctor recommendation. We know she loves us so much but in spite ot this gives us every so often an impression of discontent.

    As so far she does not accuse us of theft, maybe because she never been attaching importance to monies, things,.. . But her obstinate sadness can be depresive for us that we feel guilty somehow. We organize for her a visits of her old home, but she does not care this place when arrived there and usually after while wants go back home. Looks like she yearns sometime for something/somebody ?.

    We speak with her as much as we can but have to be careful because easely can be brouht highly strung because can’t remaind names, places, affairs and words that would be used to define subject of discussion. She stopped read books newspapers that she liked to do before. She lives in her own poor world limited mostly to being moment. It is like you said , “every minute is a new minute” without reference/conection to the past.

    We are trying to interfere in her world and we can see we are succesful becasue she is getting more enthusiasmed behaviour.

    We are sure we manage this challenge, although we are worried about what next hour, day, month,.. can bring us.

    Once more, thanks a lot for your all leads and explanation.

    My wormest regards, Jerzy.

    • says

      Jerzy, I can tell that you are a kind a loving family. And you are doing the very best for your mother-in-law.

      It is a difficult journey we join when we are caregivers for them, but still- it is so rewarding when we see them smile, or happy if only for a moment.

      It is obvious that you and your wife are doing the very best that you can. But always remember that she may not behave as she did in the past, just as she may not be as grateful as she may have been from years ago. With dementia their mindset changes, and it is no fault of theirs but rather the insidious disease that affects their brain.

      When she yearns for her old home, she may be yearning for her childhood home that she shared with her own mother. Never forget that their mind is going backward in time. Their yearnings are for a past that no longer exists.

      I think you are doing the best you possibly can to love and protect her. But you and your wife may still need respite for yourselves occasionally. Share a night out, or visits with others who also care for a loved one.

      Wishing all the best to you lovely folks and bless you for all the kindness to your Mom-in-law.

      Thank you for sharing with us,
      ~Sandy

  2. says

    Good morning!

    Absolutely loved your post on this often not discussed topic. I had been my mom’s primary caregiver for 14 years. She had Dementia. Fortunately, my mom never engaged in that type of accusatory behavior with me, but my aunt did. She also came down with Dementia. She lived in an assisted-living facility. Her constant accusations and falsehoods became very frustrating to me. I would go over to the home care agency to help her regularly. Must admit that at times, it did hurt. But, I was strong enough to overlook it and not take it personally. She past away last year. So did my mom.

    So, yes. Acquaintances and other family members who do hear them tell prevarications of suspicious activities–such as theft–about the caregiver can’t help but cause a few raised eyebrows in doubting you. Sometimes these seniors can be very convincing! Heehee! It’s kind of funny when you think about it.

    Anyway, thank you so much for sharing. visit twilightcareforseniors when you get some time.

    • says

      Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your Aunt and Mom. It’s heart breaking for sure. You’re an angel for assisting with both.

      I know. I was mortified when Mom would tell my brother some outrageous story that was totally concocted. Even when you explain later, if they don’t visit often enough to see it for them self, they’re suspicious. I think the only one who really understands is another caregiver.

      ~Sandy

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